BABY, It's COLD Outside....!

When I left the house this morning it was -6 degrees. SIX BELOW, YO.

OK so I lied. Cuz it would have to heat up about 20 degrees to get up to JUST being cold.
I'm serious IT IS COLD OUT SIDE! Shoot, Cold can't even describe how it is outside.

I come from Michigan where they have that humid fridgid to the bone cold outside and it's colder than that.

Its "slap yo grandpappy" cold outside.

It's "make some hot greens and drink the pot liquor" cold outside.

It's "cuss somebody OUT" cold outside.

It's "breathe through your mouth cuz if you breath through your nose it will freeze together" cold outside.

It's so cold outside I saw Jack Frost knockin on the gates of hell screaming.."let me in, it's cold outside!"

Two guys were outside talking and their words froze in mid air, I could see what they were saying... THAT'S how cold outside it is outside.

I saw some penguins building a fire.... that's how cold it is outside.

It's soo cold the fake teeth at the dentist office were chattering.

It's so cold, I witnessed a cop hand cuff a car to his car so he wouldn't have to get out... that's how cold it is.

It is "If you rub your hands together they would shatter and break" cold outside.

Cows are giving ice cream... that's how cold it is outside.

EWWWWWWWW WEEEEE! It is COLD OUTSIDE!


How cold is it where YOU are?

Picture it..... Sicily!

OK, so it's not Sicily, it's Ogden. And it's not Italy, it's Utah. It's late-ish. The Family estate is calming down for the evening. No where near ready to bed down for the night because we roll pretty late around here, but just taking it down a few notches for a mellow evening on a FREAKIN COLD night. I'm Antsy. I went into the kitchen to grab some dinner... but realize I really wasn't hungry. I returned to the living room to watch some tv with the sibs, but wasn't into the show. I grabbed a book to go read... but then sat back down in front of the tv. Yeah... Antsy. Something wasn't quite right and it was annoying me. I couldn't figure out what it was but indeed, it was. I sat on the couch and decided to try and zone in on what was going on inside my head. I had a feeling I needed to go out for a bit. I was just telling someone not 10 minutes earlier that it was cold out side and I wasn't going out there, and its rolling up on about 11 at night. I sort of pushed that thought to the back of my mind. It's about 8 degrees outside AND the wind was blowing. You could feel the breeze around the doors and windows of this old house. My gaze fixated on the TV...."the Dog whisperer" was on and I wanted to see how he was going to convince this dog not to be scared to go out walking or scared of the wind. The longer I sat the more unfocused on the show I had become. That Gnawing feeling I had earlier would not let me sit another minute. I jumped up, literally jumped up and announced.. "I'm Going For A Drive!." My daughter looked at me like I was crazy. My sister looked at me and shrugged. My brother was probably wondering... "typical , hella cold out side, out the door in only flannel jammies and slippers roaming around in the middle of the night on the streets of Ogden." I jumped in the car and didn't know where I was headed. I just went on some instinctual navigation system inside of me that had been lying dormant for a while. I headed south on Washington Ave... turned down a street called Chester. I've never been down this street before, had no idea why I was on it now. So I rolled down Chester until I came to a street called Porter. I rolled down Porter street for about a block and then turn down Cross. I took Cross street all the way back to Washington and then headed north on Washington back toward the house. Typically I turn down 6Th but this time I turned at the gas station by 7Th and saw an Older woman who appeared to be pushing her car. The street light was out. The gas station was dark and vacant. She was pushing at the back of her car and her driver side door was opened. I drove by her and did a quick turn Down the next street Adams st. I figured the house is just a couple blocks away I'll go get my brother to help. Then I thought: "hmmm an older woman, middle of the night a big black man... that may not set right with her. So instead I got on my cell phone and called my sister and simply said... "hey, meet me in the drive way right now...." I pulled into the drive way and she came out of the house and jumped into the car. I told her I saw an old lady pushing her car a block away and she may need our help. So I pull out of the drive way go around the block to the gas station and the car is gone. My sister is looking at me kind of like I'm trying to pull a joke. From the time I left the house in the first place to the time I saw the lady was maybe 10 minutes. From the time I saw the lady from the time I called my sister, picked her up and came back to where I saw her was less than maybe 2 minutes . I'm baffled. You know how you know that you saw what you saw, but now you only think you saw what you Know you saw??? Yeah, it's like that. I'm staring blankly at the spot where the lady and the car was. My sister turns to me and says... "uh.... so what color was this car?..." I said.."red." "and where did you see this car?" "right here." "uh huh, I see..." We were both quiet. I guess I felt that if I sat there long enough she would materialize in front of my eyes. So I just sat there for a few seconds. ( this is reminding me of when my car was making loud crazy noises the week before Christmas. The whole week before Christmas. And when I took someone for a ride so they could hear it and try and figure it out.... nothing. The noised disappeared.) I sighed. I headed east up 7th then turned north up Adams... driving very slowly. Cuz who ever she was, if she was having car trouble, she can't have gone that far. And it's freakin 2 degrees out, and the wind is blowin.... and I'm just cold thinking about her out there somewhere. Just as we're coming to cross 6th street my sister points and says... "right there!" I looked, and there was black silhouette of a car and a person. I tear around the corner and pull up the car. You could tell it had stopped in the middle of the road and she was trying to push it towards the side, but couldn't because there was no way for one person to steer or push at the same time. "ma'am can we help you?" I asked. She stayed by her car and called back that she was fine and that no, she was almost home and if she lets her car sit for a while it will start up again and she could drive it home. "well I'm more than happy to take you home and you can take care of this tomorrow." Shoot it was after 11pm. Suddenly my sister said... "Sister Jones! Hey It's Lyn, this is my sister" Lyn was the first councelor in the ward Relief Society so she knows EVERYONE in that area. Although Sister Jones was not really familiar with my brother. So getting my sister was the right vibe. They start talking a little about ward business. She's standing out in the freezing cold... for who knows how long it's freakin -12 degrees out and they wanna chat about ward business in the middle of the street in the middle of the night? FOCUS PEOPLE! "Whats with the car, sister?" I asked. She explains that she picked up her car a couple hours earlier from the repair shop and the battery light kept coming on.. and now she knows why. Her car would run for a short time and then stop. But if she lets it sit long enough, it would start up again and let her drive a little bit. So when it stopped, she'd push it to the side of the road if needed and then let it sit for a few minutes and then drive as far as she could. She had been doing this since about 20th street. (We were sitting on 6th street). She'd been doing this for a couple of hours in the dark and cold. I'm flashing back to this summer. A few friends of mine and I were doing a relay for life walk for the cancer society. I was team captain and was in Ogden going back home to Provo for the big day the next day. Sooo much to prepare for. As I headed down hwy 89 my car over heated. I kept putting water into it and it kept over heating. I could go maybe 2 miles before it would cut out on me. It was 98 degrees outside and thermometer in my car was registered at 103 degrees. within 30 minutes I had gone less than 3 miles and had poured 2 gallons of water into my car. I had 1 gallon left. I could either drink it or put it in the car. Normally I would just lock up the car and walk someplace. However, I had broken my ankle about 3 weeks before and although I was not using crutches, I still had it casted. So i couldn't even hike out. The portion of the highway I was in was sort of like a bowl. you come down a Huge hill just to go back Up a huge hill. This was the route that truckers take to and from Wyoming and various other forlorn places in the state. It's also the spot where your cell phone doesn't work so well. I remember sitting in my car, hood up, my t-shirt was dripping wet with sweat. I could wring it out. My arm rest was actually muddy from my sweat and the dirt from me dinking around under the hood. My bother wasn't picking up his phone. 2 other friends offered to come help, both at work. The one, I KNOW would have come as soon as they could. The other... well you know you have those friend who offer, and they'd help, but for some reason you feel guilty about it? yeah well I figured there were both anywhere from an hour to 30 min away and there's no reason why they should have to rescue me. I knew I was on my own because I knew no one would stop to help. And I was right. (remind me to blog that story sometime for the conclusion) Tangent, sorry. K, so anyway... she had been doing this drive, stop push thing for a couple hours in the cold. Lyn is talking to sister Jones about what's going on. And then I tell her to call our brother to come and help. She says..."he won't come, will he? I wouldn't come on a night like this.... Lyn says.. "yeah he will" "Well he's sleep isn't he?" "Sleep? are you kidding me? Naw he ain't sleep!" She dials our brother and tells him.. "Hey, jump in my car and come up 6th street. Oh yeah...you need your coat and some long pants... this may take awhile..." I park on the side of the road with my hazards on. Lyn and Sister Jones are outside trying to see if they can just tighten something up or jump the battery or what. within 2 minutes we see my sister's car turn out of the alley and come up 6th street and park just behind me with the lights on. Lyn explains what's going on. I tell her to have Sister Jones come sit in the car and warm up. Her car is warm, she insist that we don't need to make a fuss about her and she'll be OK. I had to explain to her... "Sister Jones, we can't just leave you here, our parents would be so disappointed if we did that... we just didn't grow up that way. We need to make sure you get home safely even if we have to take you there ourselves. My mama would be HIGHLY ashamed if we left you in this situation...and you don't want to have that on your heart would you?" She kind of laughed.. by this time my brother was out of the car and my sister was explaining the situation. I was sitting in the car running the heat full on because I get hives when the weather is really cold...and another trip the E.R for me because of hives was out of the question for this day. I had broken out in Hives earlier today, twice... and that was enough for me. I guess they were going to try jumping the battery but decided to push her car where I was sitting, so she wouldn't get a ticket since she was diagonally parked facing east on the west bound side of the street. I moved my car. Sister jones convinced them to let her try and start it again since she was soo close to home. The siblings obliged and let her know we were be right behind her to make sure she got home. We all got in our cars. I had flipped my car to the west bound side of the street prepared to give light to their 2 cars for the jump. And they were now facing east toward where Sister Jones lives in "The Village" apt. Sister Jones started up her car an away she went... Eric and Lyn right behind. I flipped a u-turn and pulled up from the rear. By the time they got down to the street to the sign that said.. "dip" Sister Jones' car stopped again... (less than 1/4 mile down the road). By the time I got down to the "dip" sign my brother was pushing her car into the parking lot of the Village Apartments. My sister had parked her car at the office. My brother pushed her car into a slot bedside my sister's car and I pulled up on the other side of Sister Jones' car. Sister Jones jumped out of her car and thanked us soo much for our time and for helping her on a night like this. Now in true.. "Dudley" fashion... Lyn had enquired where exactly where she lived so we could make sure she was inside safely. We made sure she was home safe. We then got into our cars and headed back to the family house. Prepare for Mama Lecture: ***On a side note... My parent's seriously trained us to be a certain way. If I had told this story to my mama and I hadn't stopped, her backhand would have left Michigan, slapped me up in Utah and been back home in Michigan in less that 3 seconds. You never LEAVE somebody: If you are some place with a friend and only 2 people are left and you are one of them.. you don't leave them alone, you leave together. If you take someone home or drop them off... you don't leave until you are sure they are in the house. ( flash the porch light as a sign that you are in and things are ok if they drop you off) For my sister and I... If we are some place with a Man and he leaves us, or leaves before us or doesn't make sure we are safely on our way before he leave on his way...that's not your kinda man. My brothers... make sure your ladies are home when they are supposed to be and safely in their house when they get there. Don't ever expect more from anyone than you are willing to do yourself. Mama lecture part 2 Sometimes the Lord needs people to go above and beyond what's expected to get his work done. Be that person when you can. It's not bad to expect alot from people if you give alot to people. (where much is given, much is required) but don't hold them to your high expectation or you will feel failed (amen on that one.) Hold them to the expectation they set for themselves. Hold people accountable for keeping their word. Don't say things you don't mean or make commitments you don't intend to keep. Never leave people or plans hanging.... oh I could go on an on. Sadly enough we all do those things that we probably shouldn't. Human nature tends to get in the way of what we should and shouldn't do. I think as long as we don't leave ourselves satisfied with.."oh well, everyone does it.. or that's just human nature.." and stop trying, we're allowed to slip as long as the slipping isn't the rule. *** MEAN WHILE BACK AT THE RANCH.... when we all get into the house... for some reason... we all burst out laughing at our adventure. My brother looked at me laughin and said.... 'How come your vibes and promptings always put "US" in the middle of something?" I started cracking up... "well I was antsy and some thing kept telling me something was wrong.. so when I got the vibe to go for a drive, I went for a drive... you don't ask questions.. you just do what you're told and you know it's in his hands." Lyn chimed in saying..." well you know how she is! When that girl get a prompting she is all over it, no questions asked. I learned to trust it. I don't even question it anymore. Cuz it's amazing to see it in action. It happens with her all the time and you just don't fool with it." Eric went on to say "Sister Jones was soo cold and tired, she had already exhausted her energy and couldn't get warm and was shaking so badly already." This was how things were on His end... Eric was saying how.. it was weird.... "First Karyn jumps up and announces she's going on a ride. Then less than 10 minutes later Lyn's phone rings and she's out the door gone. Then less than 5 minutes later my phone rings and Lyn is telling me to just jump in her car and bring it around the block... I'm thinking what kind of mess did Karyn get into this time... that Lyn can't get her out of. And then I thought.. wait.... in the movies... everyone start disappearing one by one...getting killed off... I didn't know what to think but I knew whatever was going on... I had to come... and if something happened to one of us... it better happen to all of us... or else mom would kill me anyway cuz I'm the oldest...." We bust out laughing shaking our heads in agreement again... Because as soon as we tell mom the story... I can hear her now.... Talking to Lyn.. ." you let karyn go out in that weather alone at night?.... Why didn't you go with her?" ( growing up, mom would not let me go anywhere w/o lyn or let lyn go anywhere w/o me. I can remember getting back handed when i said.. ."why do I have to follow her outside to the garbage can, it's JUST right there.. you can watch her from the window..") And then I can hear lyn saying back to her... "well I did go with her when she came back 10 minutes later and picked me up.... and then 2 minutes after that i called Eric and then came to where we were.....cuz he's the oldest.. and he knows that if me and Karyn are in trouble, he's accountable to you if something happens to us....(pause)... Yeah we did leave the baby (ali )in that house alone... there was no need to bring the baby (Ali) out in that weather, Ali was locked the the house and the dog was there...". (the "baby" by the way, is 16 years old.) My mama is on the ball and WILL make sure all her bases are covered when it comes to her kids. Even though we're grown. I stood for a minute in stillness... and there were no longer any antsy or unsettled feeling. I took a deep breath made some hot chocolate to ensure I would be warm enough not to break out in hives and settled in for the chilled out and relaxing night. Yeah.... it's like that!

I'm No Longer A Virgin!

Give it up for me! I'm no longer and Tamale Virgin, I had my unflowering this evening. It started out pretty rough though but I have to give props and shout outs to my Homies at Javier's in Ogden. Big Al and I traveled thru hell, high water, sleet snow, jacked knifed trucks and a plethora of accidents to get to Ogden today. I'm here because well a few reason: Ali is out of school for the next 4 days and I didnt want a teen home alone for I have a Martin Luther King Luncheon tomorrow in South Jordan from 11-1 tomorrow. And then I'm up at U of U @ 3:30 and then if they don't keep me I'm at west Minster college around 6 or 7-ish, and then back in ogden from sat-sun. And my schedule... has nothing to do with Tamale's but that's why I had them in Odgen. :) K, so anyway I walk up into the family home like I own the place and announce to my older sister... "I WANT TAMALES CUZ I"VE NEVER HAD THEM!" So she and my daughter embark upon a mission to find a great place for Tamales. Ogden is FULL of Mexican restaurants so this shouldn't be hard at all, right? We call my brother, because he coaches one of the high school basket ball teams up here and has a couple of students who have the download on good mexican food. He says he's going to hook us up and call us back. When he does he informs us of a place called Rosa's Bakery on Washington and 31st (or is that 38th?.) So we head down to the bakery and walk inside. Now I dont know how many of you have ever been into a Latino market, but their bake goods in size alone.... WOW. They had donuts, cookies, muffins and what nots the size of my head. 3 leche cake, Spices, beans, cilantro, all manor of other vegitables and goods that actually made me feel I was back in Mexico. It was cool. The front of the store was a bakery, The back of the store was a butcher and a... well... grill? Kitchen I guess? I dunno what it was, but whatever it was, it was there. My sister, daughter and I have our little basket.. and I dont know why I picked up a basket.... you dont need a basket of Tamale's right? RIGHT! I was giddy with wonder going up and down the small isle and then circling around them going up and down again. After a while I was thinking.... Ok where are the tamales? We looked in the food cases, and found none. I tried to get my daughter to read the really bad hand writing on the back boards at the umm....grill (?) to see if she could see anything that said Tamale. Nope, not tamales. After a while the smell of the fresh butcherings started getting to me. I looked in the case and saw.... Well I still don't know what I saw. I think there were some pork rinds, and maybe some tripe (cow stomach) and ....well, yeah I have no ideah but it was starting to make me nauseated. I looked on the top of the case and saw.two big jugs of... some sort of.... entrails... submerged in some sort of... liquid solution. That was all i could take. I did purchase my favorite spice in the world... Adobo and I also found some Sazon that I've been searching for for YEARS. After we left the Bakery it occured to me that my brother misunderstood what we were looking for. He inquired with his informants about ingredients to make tamales, not where to purchase them already prepared. (Bone Head) So we decided to travel up and down the streets of Ogden and just pick a mexican restaurant and go for it. Well we head down Riverdale road and then take a quick turn down wall street and I see this place and their sign say... Tamales. My sister zooms right passed it, takes the next sharp right turn and circles the block back to this place. I go in and I'm reading their Hand written board. It says EVERYTHING.... Carne Asada, Chips Salsa , El Pastor, Flan.... you name they have it... except Tamales. The Cashier asks if she can help me. I tell her... "YES! Do you have Tamales? I've never had one before and tonight is my lucky night! I will no longer be a tamale virgin after tonite!" The latin guys in front of me started laughin and giving me my congratulations and their offers to help me with that virgin thing! The Cashier says... "we have el salvador Tamales they come wrapped in banana leaves, but we don't have the Mexican Tamales, we're out" I'm sure my face deflated. I turned and looked at my latin guys and they sort of turned up their nose giving me the.... "no that's not what you want" look. I told the cashier that I was looking for mexican tamale but thank you anyway. I turned to go and my latin guys called "good luck" to me after wards. Well by this time i'm feling a little defeated :( And then I remember.. HEY, this night I will give up my Tamale virginity or else! I told my sister... you know... we prolly should have just walked the 1/2 block to that place across the street from the house. We headed back that way. I'm not going to tell you how many mexican restaurants we passed going back home... nor will I tell you how many are in walkin distance from the family estate... because it's EMBARRASSING! We ended up going to the place across the street from the house called Javier's Mexican Restaurant. I walk in and am greeted by a Handsome older Latin man.... Javier Himself! He smiles and says in this dreamy accent.. "Hello, how can I help you this evening ladies?" I smile and say... "Well, do you have mexican tamales? I've never had one before and TONITE will be the night I will have my first one!" He smiled and said... "yes we have them, of course!" I told them I would like to place a to go order and could I see a menu to check out the rest of the goods?. He gave me a menu, and we took a seat and combed over the menu. Tamale were 2.95 a la carte. well I dont know if that's expensive for one, but HEY This was a special occassion, right? So my sister decides. were going to get 10 of them! Oh and 2 sides of Beans and rice! We step up to the counter and place our order. The cashier informs us... Well if you get them ala carte, they're 2.95 each. But on the "to go" menue they're 12 for 15$! BONUS!!!!!! We'll take it! Oh im so excited by now. AUTHENTIC MEXICAN TAMALES! My friend to make sure i got the real thing cuz the gringo version just wont cut it. As we're wating for our order... I look around the restaurant and there's news articles and old and current high school graduation announcements on the walls and bulletin boards. I check themout. Sir Javier is.. or was a track couch at the St Josephs' Catholic School up here in Ogden. And he's good! His Track team has been champions for like 6 years in a row or something like that. Impressive. Also are acticles where he was the motivational speaker as well. Neoto! Tamales and track! It doesn't get any better than that does it! The cashier tells us our tamales are ready and to becareful because they're hot! She gives us the bag and they are steaming and smelling all kinds of delicioso! I can hardly wait to get home and try it. We get home... and make all the special preparations... wash hour hands... cleare the dining room table...fold our arms and bless these special tamale's and the hand that prepared them and to give us strength and nourishment... all of that stuff on this special night. I open the steaming hot bag and before me is.... a zip lock baggie full of a dozen of Javiers best tamales I'm sure. And I gasp in amazement... "OH MAN I KNOW THESE ARE THE REAL DEAL... THEY ARE IN AN OLD SCHOOL ZIP LOCK BAG JUST LIKE ANY REAL MAMA WOULD HAVE PACKAGED THEM FOR HER BABIES TO TAKE FOR SCHOOL LUNCH OR SOMETHING!" Im excited, I pull one out... and then figure heck..... Why not... and pull out another one. I went for two! Unwrapped the corn husk, placed them just so on my plate. Opened up Javiers special homemade salsa and poured it over my special dish. I cut them bad boys, closed my eyes and took my first bite. I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA THROW UP! HAHA JUST KIDDING! I loved them! LOVED THEM! They taste of corn, shredded beef together with that salsa! Taste soo good it'll make you wanna slap somebody! I ate my two and were immediately stuffed. And sufficiently happy. Yes I do believe 2007 will be the year of the Tamale. I may even try the Salvadorian one's as well and making them myself. VIVA TAMALE!

Knock! Knock!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Me!

WOW.


Ever feel like you were lost but now you're found? yeah.... it's like that.
I looked in the mirror this morning and saw an old stranger looking back. It's like I've seen myself for the first time in about 5 years. And I was looking pretty darn good for the journey I've been on. I even smiled in the mirror and waved hello... as if to say.. where ya been oh pal, oh sock, oh shoe, oh boot.
For the last little bit I feel as if I've been in a fog. A stranger going through the motions of trying to live my life better than I can myself.
It appears that this year, the fog is clearing up. Muddled situations are becoming ever so much clearer and my thinking appears to have changed, just over night, and with that comes a new attitude.
It feels like a whole new world.
This reminds me of when I went on an LDS Singles Cruise about 4 years ago. I had it all planned out:
I was going to change my name for the weekend : Francine Ruby Jackson! I was going to have this carefree, free spirited persona and just let myself go! Going with me on this cruise was my sister and my favorite person Dani and we were going to have a ball.
I remember arriving at the airport in California, we were so excited. And then boarding the shuttle bus to the cruise liner, I ran into 2 girls from the Human Resource department from my work. I thought... what the crap? I'm trying to get away from work and all that mess. Ok, no matter, I can still be Francine Ruby Jackson and have a ball. As I walked further back with one of my bags, A woman stopped me, and asked if so and so was my name. It was. It was an old friend of mine from a couple of my college English classes. WOW I hadn't seen her in 10 years! She was going on the cruise. I was soo excited to talk with her for a bit. She had to quit school because of Lupus. Her legs were amputated as were her fingers. But she was soo happy to see me and I her. Wow, this WAS going to be in interesting trip. We got to the ship and my sister, Dani and I got to our rooms and were unpacking and hurrying to the big welcome meeting we were having.
On the way to the Starlight lounge on the Lido deck.... someone came up to me and said... "hey.... I KNOW YOU.... you were in Long Beach 3 months ago in a stage production about Black Mormon Pioneers weren't you...?" I stopped in my tracks. "Yes, I was. The Life story about Jane Manning James, the first free black LDS woman." She hugged me... and said... "you also did the fireside for the youth by the chapel at the LA Temple that Sunday afterwards, didnt you? You're the Genesis Young Women's President?" Yes, yes that was me. She was the Relief Society President for her ward. She was soooo excited about me... she went and told EVERYONE all about my work with this production and my firesides and so on. Dani has always said... "I can't go anywhere without someone knowing you.... even when we're in a different country." It was true... everywhere we go someone knows me from something I've done thru my church work, stage work or modeling from back in the day. The more I spoke with the people on my cruise, the more I found out that several people I talked to knew other friends and associates of mine from when I was a Nanny in NJ & NY or a Student in Idaho, or from wherever. I remember how some kept introducing me as a "celebrity" from my Genesis work or from being in Church CES videos or from the theatre products I was involved in, and I couldn't for the life of me understand why they would think so highly of little ole mediocre me. I was just a groovy chick doin the things I do.

Well, for dinner each night were dressed up all fancy like and had assigned seats. My table was the life of the party and we had a fabulous evening. Because this singles group was so large, we could exchange tables each night within the group. Each night my original dinner group was scrounging for chairs at "our" table as people crowded us wanting to be part of our atmosphere. Our travel agent told me there were request for 18 people to be at our table. I believe a table only held 8 people. She said we were by far the funnest and loudest group in the dining room and everyone request to sit with or near us. Even the waiters were wanting us to sit in their sections of the dining room. It was an awesome time!

Throughout the course of the 4 day cruise, I forgot about being Francine Ruby Jackson, free spirited and carefree single woman ready to have a swinging time. I actually forgot about Ms Jackson until the last day on the ship. We actually held a Sacrament meeting in the Starlight bar and lounge on the Lido Deck of the Carnival Cruise ship.

I remember sitting in a lounge chair, reflecting on the cruise from the beginning up until that point. I looked across the room at the bar and the bottles of liquor and the shiny shot and wine glasses stacked upside down waiting for the party that would erupt that night. I looked out the window and there were a school of dolphins swimming along side of the ship. While sacrament was being passed, I ate the dinner roll and drank the water from the paper shot glasses provided and my thoughts turned to Christ.
The conversation we had was....

"wow, Lord. Here I sit on a boat on the ocean in a different country. There's a bar behind me, in the ocean to my right there are dolphins escorting us back towards our home destination. I am sitting in the starlight lounge with a dinner roll for my sacrament bread and a paper shot cup to hold my sacrament water and YOU ARE HERE with me, with us all. I am so amazed."

He said to me...

"WHEREVER two or more are gathered in my name, there I am also"

I sort of laughed inside

"haha! Well you ain't lying Lord, cuz here you are."

and his response was...

"yes and here YOU are...you got on this ship wanting to be MS Francine Ruby Jackson.... but I KNOW who you are."
I felt tears rolling down my cheek. I thought to myself. Yes, where ever I go, there I am. And no matter what name I give myself and what attitudes and attributes I display, how I dress me up and put makeup on me... Where ever I go, there I am.

It was a testament to myself OF myself. I can dress up and pretend to be something I'm not, but I will NEVER be able to hide from me, or the Lord my God.
Sadly... I had forgotten that lesson, forgotten who I am. Who I'm supposed to be.

The other day I was speaking with my sister about some issues and matters of the heart. She said... "you have forgotten who you really are, you really have.. Remember when you and Houston were dating? Where is that girl that he didn't know what to do with? Remember what he used to say... "I don't know what to do when she gets like this so I just let her go, watch and wait because I know it's going to be good." I remember when he used say that. He used to always tell me.... "everyday you were like a surprise waiting to be opened. And all I know is by the end of the day I would always think... I'm sooo glad she's in my life... EVERYDAY" Oh the fun we had! We'd go rock climbing and snow tubing and to concerts. After about a week of me short sheeting his bed, one night I had gotten home late from campus. He stole my bed sheets and sent me on a treasure hunt for them around the apartment complex. There was a note on my bed when i got home: Go to apartment 23. Then they gave me a note to go someplace else and so on. An hour and a half later, the final note in my hand, which was taped on the inside of the big garbage dumpster ...it said.... " go look in your closet!" My closet! They were in my FREAKIN closet the whole time. I stood inside that garbage dumpster...while practically the whole apartment complex was watching me... and I laughed so hard I almost peed on myself. It was like that the whole year we dated up until he went on his mission.

Enter my best friend Lunt. Same thing. Our thing would be to watch M*A*S*H on the phone. The first one who could call and guess which episode it was first was the winner. Playing on softball teams together during the summer. Camp outs and funny stories about his brothers and them living in Indonesia. Passing a 10 lb pound can of pork and beans back and forth between him, myself and his brothers for our birthday presents to each other. He and I had codes back and forth. We both wanted to be cops. So we had a secret language. We were closet Barry Manilow and Karen Carpenter lovers. And we always laughed at their sad cheesy melodramatic love songs. But, if he was having a bad day... he'd leave me the message "Karen Carpenter." If I were having a bad day.. I'd leave the message "Barry Manilow." And who ever got the message would be over that night, without fail with a gallon of Mint chocolate chip ice cream (our favorite) and 2 spoons! It was like that until the day he married. And when we talk it's like no time has passed, we're still like that.

Yeah, where is that chick? Where the hell did she go?
She got bogged down with people pleasing, caring too much what others thinks about her and how others felt about her. Oh, her core is the same, but so much was buried, stifled, trampled on that she just... bailed and was too afraid to return.
UNTIL NOW.
I haven't felt this.. .light hearted and ... mellowed and just internally happy and satisfied with myself for years. Sad isn't' it?

I thank my sister for knocking me back into myself. I also found this saying that for some reason, as abstract as it is... grounded me back where I belong:

"Stand in your own space and know you are there."

I read that a few days ago... and a flood of emotions came to surface. Sort of like a final cleansing or purging, if you will, of that shell of a person who went thru the motions of me but didn't quite cut it. That impostor.... she's gone. I know she's done, cuz I felt her check out and bail the exact moment it happened. GOOD RIDDANCE.

For the last little while I've been either standing in my own space and pretending to be elsewhere or standing in someone elses space assuming I'm to be there. Neither option works.

Stand tall, honor the truthfulness of who you are. If you cannot stand tall in the honesty of who you are then do what it takes to be able to. And those who are privilege enough to be invited into your space will either accept the invitation, or deny it. Those who deny it, let them go. Misery is being where you don't want to be or being where you know you don't belong so, let them go. You'll be better off on both ends.

And those who truly want to be a part of your life will accept the invitation and support and honor who you are and where you are in your life and will influence your life for the better as you will do the same in their life.

"Stand in your own space and know you are there."

Happy New Year!

Ya ever get that feeling that all hell is gonna break lose and there's not a thing you can do about it?
Yeah, it's like that.


The New Year has just begun. Normally I'm running here and there, to and fro hanging out with friends and family and pushing things I really should be at home sorting out down into the bowels of my mind.

( pic taken at a leaf fight w/ all my little cuzinz)


My car is out of commission since about Wednesday. So I've basically been home, not by choice, dealing with idler pully's and water pumps and what nots. It turns out it may be even worse than that. I found a place less than 60 seconds from my condo to look at it. They're talking cooling systems and thermostats and head gasket damage. They took a quick look at it and I'll be rolling it back up there on Tuesday so they can to a thorough look.
Car stuff gives me stress . Funeral(and phobia) stuff gives me stress. I'm on 5 different leadership committees and the actual chair of 2 of them... That gives me stress.

Let me give you a recount of the last few days: My mom informed me a cousin of ours just passed away.
I have a phobia of dead bodies. (yeah i know, gross...) Lately, I can't turn on my TV w/o seeing James Brown, Gerald Ford and now that Crazy hanging of Saddam. I'm OK with seeing caskets, but only just O.K. *sigh* This week has been filled with nightmare after night mare. Have you ever physically had the power to wake yourself up out of a bad dream? Been doing it all week. I've had dreams of being a passenger in a car and going down a hill.... and the brakes failing and we race towards a funeral procession only to rear end the Hearse and have the casket break open and a dead body sliding up on my side of the windshield.
I've also had a dream where I'm in the back of a Limo in the middle of the night, being held a gun point and forced to help dig up fresh graves and open caskets. So right now anything in a long rectangle shape in my house... is more resemblant of a Casket.. .especially at night: couch... tub... dressers, even the closed doors. I would love to run way for a few hours... visit some people, or have some people visit me to take my mind off that fact that I haven't had a decent sleep in about 2-4 nights. I've been catching cat naps during the day but you know, those images sorta stick with you sometimes. Hopefully the car will be fixed sometime this week. Some fears you will continually face and that's cool, because I know that it's a temporary fear, and I will recover. And hopefully from that the strength of the fear will weaken and eventually disappear.

On the flip side of things: Having no car has been a blessing. I've been faced to have myself a spiritual cleanse.
I've spent the last couple of days getting a crap load of stuff out of my head, purged from my heart and lifted off my chest. It's stuff that's not easy to say and will most likely go unheard. But sometimes the strength and the journey is being able to say things you didn't want to have to say.

2006 has been full of great experiences. I've learned that some of the greatest experiences aren't necessarily the happiest. But they are experiences that teach us about ourselves, provide us with opportunity to grow, and bring us closer to God and people we love... if we take those opportunities.

Some things I've always known but have really learned:

1. Everyone should face a great fear at least once. Knowing that you can survive it can sometimes make all the difference in the world. It doesn't always mean you'll over come the fear, but you'll over come the experience of being afraid easier.

2. Truly good friendships can over come lies, hurt, miscommunication and EVERYTHING else as long as those in the friendships are willing to care enough about each other.

3. Some people will scoff at your experiences, talents and gifts. It's usually not to hurt or belittle you, but only because they don't possess them or understand them.

4. Most people see the world as THEY are, not as it really is.

5. If someone wants to leave your life.... Let them go. You are both better off.

6. If someone shows you who they are... Believe them. Trying to change them will make you both miserable and frustrate the hell out of both of you.

7. You cannot comfort or support someone who does not want to be comforted or supported.

8. Putting your trust in others is a brave and noble thing. But it doesn't mean that others will be able to put their trust in you.

9. Never underestimate the human mind to forget or change.

10. It is ok to be mad, frustrated and down right pissed off. But not to forgive someone should never be an option.

11.It is never too late to clear up a passed situation.

12. Mistakes made in hurried moments of foolishness can stay with you for years.

13. If you tell someone their actions or words are hurtful to you and they continue to do them, they don't care enough about you.

14. Never cut or sever what you can untie

15. Most people living a double standard, don't see it as a double standard.

16. A good relationship will cause you to branch and expand outward instead of shrink and with draw inward.

17. Do not compete with someone's pride, you will always lose.

18. Just because someone doesn't love you how you want, doesn't meant they don't love you with all they have.
19. Make sure you want to really hear the truth when you ask for it.
20. Love people enough to not lie to them, if they love you, there's no reason to lie.
21. Don't only tell the truth because it's asked... tell the truth because it's owed.
22. Some people keep making the same mistakes so that YOU can learn from them as well.
23. If your gut or mind is telling you something is just not quite right... then something is just not right.
24. People will do and accomplish the things they REALLY want to do and accomplish. If you want something bad enough, you find a way to obtain it.
25. Cultivate your relationship with people and things that have made a difference in your life for the better, challenge you to be better and always have your back. People like that are hard to come by these days.
26. Make each moment with friends and family enjoyable. You don't know how many moments you may have with them. None of us are ever promised tomorrow.

27. Love 100%. If you don't you will regret it 100%.

28. If you are angry, wait 10 minutes before responding to a heated situation. You will be less likely to say or do things you may regret.

29. Be the last to offend.

30. Be the first to amend.


Some of these things I relearn every day. Some harder lessons it only takes one time.

2007 is going to be worse before it gets better;
I CAN FEEL IT.
So the theme for this year is:
"FIGHT"
(cue' Rocky Music)
Whatever that means to you, apply it.
Fight to be heard.
Fight to understand and be understood
Fight to live
Fight to love
Fight to survive
You can even fight for your right to par-tay.
Fight to be the real you
Fight to have peace
Fight to be happy
Go to court and fight that speeding ticket!
And if you fight and go down swinging...fight to get back up... and come up swinging.
Make a list of every thing you think is worth fighting for.. no matter how little, piddly or insignificant it may seem and fight for it.

2007 are you ready to rumble???? Because ...Ding... ding.... it is ON!

The Stories of the Season

Crisp air brushing gently against your cheek with its icy touch.
Holiday lights twinkle on branches waving to playing children and
and shoppers hustling along with festive holiday wrapping.
Soft cool wind wraps around and clasps your hand in it’s own as you
Step out into the wintry scene.
The smell of pine and cinnamon covered almonds tickling your senses.
A snow flake softly drifting, dancing it’s way down, kissing the tip of your nose and disappears.

Side walks displaying still movies and silent pictures of gumdrop houses and candied snowmen captured behind frosty decorated window glass.
Skaters dancing and laughing as their blades etch fancy design across the ice.
Snow covered hills and mountains sending out skiing, sledding and snowball fight invitations!
Tinklings of jingle bells, silver bells and holiday hymns in the air whispering the stories of the Season.

Life Really is Like Chocolate:

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor.
The conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups -- porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive and some exquisite -- telling them to help themselves to the chocolate.
After all the students had a cup of chocolate in hand, the professor said:
"If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
"Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the chocolate. In most cases, it's just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.
"What all of you really wanted was chocolate, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...and then began eyeing each other's cups.
"Now consider this: Life is the chocolate, and the jobs, houses, cars, things ,money and position in society are the cups.
"They are just tools to hold and contain life, and the type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of life we live.
"Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the chocolate God has provided us.
"God brews the chocolate, not the cups . . . enjoy your chocolate."
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

Live in peace and peace will live in you.

"Trials still lay ahead, and beyond that, GLORY."

I always felt like the scape goat in the family. Me and my father tend to butt heads when I was younger, but I feel now as I get older, I wanna be a lot like him. Not totally like him, but a lot. I knew my daddy loved me, but I didn't really know that he liked me so much, until today :)

This is the email I got from him today on my birthday and later today came a bouquet of roses and tiger lilies. (See above photo) "Roses and Tiger lilies" you say, "what an odd combination" Yeah they're unique and beautiful... (just like me ;) (I've reduced personal names of family members to just Initials or nick names for obvious reason's but I'll allow my real name to stay) ok... On with the show:

Dear Karyn
I can't help but think of Jack Benny when the age 39 comes up. There is a slight difference in his calculations, having more than 39, 39 thBirthdays under his belt when he hit the happy hunting ground. Since I don't lecture any more, I just wanted to take a little time to stop and smell the roses as I ponder life that has brought us to this point.
You missed all the overseas stuff. No Germany, no Army, no glorious travel to distant lands. I had been working at Kellogg's only 3 months when you hit the scene looking like Grandma Gamble and with this sandy carrot top hair. What was up with that?! As a baby you had it pretty will made 'cause L was old enough to poke at your eyes, to see if they were real and could dunk you in the back yard swimming rubber thingy. E paid lots of attention to you by throwing you like a football and practice sliding into 2nd and Karyn base. Through it all, you gained a toughness that would help get them off your back, but more over, would help carry you through to where you are today.
You are defiantly not among the ordinary. Though you exhibit that rough exterior, here is a woman with the determination to do the right things in life and teach from the heart. The road (rod) is long and the Adversary is constantly trying to pull us in other directions. You have stayed the course and provided the best opportunities for you and your child, who would not have stood a chance, if taught by a lesser individual. You have planted good seed and given tender care, pointing in the right direction. I think of the many sacrifices you have made as a single mother, and I don't know half of what you went through, and what you own life expectations might have been. However you never placed yourself before your responsibilities. One reason is because you never treated your daughter like a responsibility or obligation. She was that extension of you that has a chance for the greater goal. If only I could have had the kind of understanding and commitment when you were created.
Although your word is far from being over, you have shown the kind of strength that allows us to endure.
Bless you on your 39th, and bless those whose hearts you have touched along the way. Trials still lay ahead, and beyond that, GLORY.

I LOVE YOU ,
DAD





Daddy,
It's been basically a typical day. Nothing too bad at all. Nothing to great. There's something to be said about just having a Good simple day. Sometimes we don't appreciate them enough.
I woke up this morning thinking... "wow... 39 years.... what do i have to show for it?" Then here comes "big Al" , stumbling down the hall...looking like your mother "Pearl Jr." "Happy Birthday Lady!" she grins with a hug. That girl cracks me up! In ways I feel like the "Odd one". In other ways I feel like the "lucky one."
Those siblings of mine were preparing me for this tough old world. They taught me that "Life's not fair, but so what." You just keep doing what you have to do to accomplish what you need to accomplish.
My mother taught me to never give up.

You taught me: No matter what crappy things other people or the world throws at you, and no matter how you may not like somebody or something you keep doing the right thing. No matter what pain or anger someone has caused you.... do the right thing. There is no justification for doing what you know is wrong. Sometimes I react first and then think later. Sometimes it may take me a week or month to come around to doing the right thing...because I'm stubborn like that, but it's always there in the back of my mind.... and just a matter of time before my soul won't let me rest until I "git er done."
When accomplishing the many obligations I've had and the lessons I've taught and the firesides and talks I've given it has often been said... " She has been taught well, and has learned well, and is the example of..." I always give credit to You and Mom. And if I can pass that along to the "big Al" then I am happy with letting that be what I have to show for my years on earth.
It's been a tough few months. There have been days lately when I've wished I was a 2 year old and could just crawl into the arms of a parent and feel that safety and security and love. I guess we all have them days. And when things get that way... you forget to see what keeps you going and you start to lose your energy spiritually, emotionally and even physically.
You have been an answer to prayer today, and I'm not even surprised. I got your flowers today! What an awesome surprise, thank you!
And thanks for those lessons you have taught our family that will keep us strong, focused and doing the right thing.
My theme for this next year: " Trials still lay ahead, and beyond that, GLORY!"
Thank you daddy, for kicking my world back on track. I needed it.
I love you,
Karyn Michelle


I'm keeping my dad's words in a place where I can go back to them and draw strength.
This is why it's important to let others they mean something to you. You don't realise the life changing effect if can have on them.

AWWWWWWWW YEEEEUUUUUHHHHHH!


I was in the grocery store the other day and I walked in right behind an older gentleman. He was sort of poky and stumbly as it if he might fall over. I was patiently behind him in no hurry. We were traveling the same direction so i just lolly gagged behind him a bit not wanting him to feel hurried or rushed. For some reason I was observing him... he was looking around as if he were noticing things for the first time. I was intrigued. I watched him sort of walk over to the Chinese food bar and chat with the people behind the counter. Just some friendly banter and he gave a big deep breath into the air and remarked how marvelous the food smelled. He left the counter and went along his merry way. A college student sort of brushed passed him in a hurry. The college student then stopped, turned and said.. "excuse me sir!..." And the older gentleman replied... " hey that's alright young man... nice bumping into ya!" I sort of giggled at his happy go lucky style. I was headed towards the plants and the floral counter and to my surprise the gentleman headed that way as well. I stepped over to the different arrangements of daisy's, Callie Lillie's (my favorite), roses and other floral plants. The colors were bright, brilliant and breath taking. Peach roses with red lace tips, yellow carnations with sunbursts of orange in the middle. The variety of colors made me forget about jolly old guy stumbling about the store for just a minute... until i saw him out of the corner of my eye. He came up the flowers... bend down and cradled a blossom in his wrinkled hand... closed his eye's and took a big SNIFF! "ahhhhh!" I cracked a smile and looked a him. He turned my way and said.... "my lady.... sometimes you just have to stop and smell the flowers along the way! You should find time to take one day and just enjoy the beauty of what you smell, hear and see! IF you do that, you'll be happy!" I nodded in agreement and with a wink, he was off!

That experience gave me a tingly sensation! And when he walked away.... I cupped a blossom in my hand and drank in the fragrance. Delicious! And I walked away.... singing the song that was on the overhead speaker. He made me feel good, simply be being himself.

I don't know what it was this man had, but it was contagious. I was reminded of this experience this week because, two days this week were the most gorgeous sunsets I've seen in years: the sky was dark with shades of purple, fushia, blues, plums and grey. I chased the first sunset to the edge of town trying and get a picture of it. The frustration of traffic slowing down and buildings blocking the view was irritating. By the time i found a spot to take a picture the sunset was mostly gone. I got a couple of pictures (see above pic)... but nothing like I wanted. And I defeated the purpose of enjoying it.

I thought the 2nd sunset was a "do over" because I missed the point of the first one. The second one I just watch from the place I was in. It was breath taking. I was in awe. Sometimes when we stop and enjoy the beauty of God's creations around us.... we can here him saying.... " I Love you. See what I've given to you today? Who else in the world can give you such things?" Nobody. As I watched the sun dip behind the mountains and the sky go completely dark. I heard him whisper.. "I love you, my child. I love you." Thanks for the sunset dad!

It kind makes ya go..... AWWWWWWWWWWWW YEEEEEEEEUUUUUH!


It's like that~

Michigan's Bo Schembechler, left, and Woody Hayes of Ohio State

The Power of the Maize & Blue.



Yesterday was a phenominal day. Woke up WAY TO EARLY for a Saturday. Mostly because I've been very tired all week and have literally be crashing and then waking up freakishly sooner that I'd like to. I woke up, did the morning routine: shower, hair...got dressed: Put on my navy blue running pants with my matching blue and gold Michigan Wolverines t-shirt. Yeah I was feeling good, totally pumped about the Michigan/ohio game. Michigan/ohio game is possibly the greatest college football rivalry around. It's was extremely exciting today because ohio is ranked #1 and Michigan is ranked #2 and the winner would indeed be seeing an invitation to the national championship bowl.

So I put on my wolverine t-shirt and my sweatshirt and scooted off to my early morning saturday meetings. After the meetings I'm walking out of the church building with the 2 genesis councelors and one said... "I'm pullin for Michigan today!" The other counsolor then started saying how he went to College at Michigan Tech and how cold it was out there. We're in the hall conversing by a bishop's office when that door opens. Out steps an older man and we all introduce ourselves. He notices my sweatshirt and asks if I'm from Michigan. I told born and raised! He tells us he went on his mission to Michigan when it was called "The Great Lakes Mission." He's never gone back but always wanted to and he would love to see Michigan win today!

Afterwards, I head to the grocery store to get some things for a soup bowl party we're having in the evening. I want to have it prepared and simmering so I can focus on the game when the time comes.

I walk into Macey's and I head down the isles for what I need. I suddenly realize I'm singing with the music on the overhead speakers and smiling at those who are greeting me while passing me. I head over to produce and two guys stocking potatoe's look over at me. I smile and greet them with " good morning!"

One guy says to me... "GO MICHIGAN!" and I all but squeal like a little kid with a favorite toy on Christmas! "You know it!" I call back to him and then a few others join in and start giving props to the Michigan Wolverines. Before you know it, there's about 17 of us gathered around the potatoes, apples, avocado's, talking football! It was AWESOME! Even a couple of creepy old guys asked if I wanted to watch the game with them on the big screen. We're talking stats, we're talking history, we're talking BO and Woody Hayes and I was holding my own I tell ya! One guy walks into the product sections wearing a University of Michigan hat and a BYU t-shirt. He heard us talking football and his shirt reminded us that BYU was going for conference champion ship today. We gave our props to BYU and after a few more minutes I said... "well Cougar fans... I have to get going. But it was nice to meet you all!" A few of them shouted.." Hail! Hail" and I Shouted back "Go Mighty Cougars! Thanks for the pep rally that was awesome!" And off we went our seperate way down our seperate isles. A few of us bumped into each other and chatted a bit more here and there before leaving the store. Even in the checkout isle I got some "high fives" and "good lucks" and "we're going for Michigan!" It was already a good day at that point, win or lose.

I watched the game..... BOY WHAT A GAME! I had to leave about the last 6 minutes but my daughte kept me updated via cell phone as I rolled down the highway towards a gathering in Midvale. Michigan lost to ohio 42-39. 3 points. I can't even be mad. I can't. It was a battle in true Michigan fashion, up til the last second. My chest hurt from the excitment and yelling at the TV and pacing back and forth. AWESOME!

In Midvale I had to stop and get some ice cream for the gathering. I see 3 cops outside arresting someone. One looks over at me and says.... "wow that was a good game, huh? I think Michigan and Ohio need to rematch for the national championship." I laughed and said... " I don't think my heart could take it.... but I'd risk it!" Again, in the store.. up and down the isle singing and skipping along... people smiling at me.."good game" here...."wow what a match..." there. I get to the Cashier and he's dying to know about the game... so I give him the short version of "black chick e-es-pee-in version" as I saw it. Told him I lost and he was like.. ."man I' am soo sick of ohio this- ohio that." I said.. "yeah... and seeing all this U of U red doesn't help does it?" I gave him a wink ... and he laughed at the U of U pin on his shirt. Off I went to my gathering. We did some small talk about the games... most of us were from out of state.. so when I mentioned the BYU Championship game was today too, most of them hadn't realized. I let them know BYU won the Mountain West conference.

Our gathering was more fun than I'd had in a long time. I laughed so hard my head and stomach still hurt! Met some new people who are absolutely funny and incredible. We had WAY too much food! It was absolutely a FABULOUS DAY! It made me forget to worry and stress about what's been eating me up in side all last week and prolly all next week.



I start to head for home after the gathering and notice my car is running on fumes. I pull off at 90th south and head east towards a Maverick filling station. I pull up next to a pump and just on the other side of me is a Green Jeep Liberty. passengers door is cracked up and there's a guy in the back. I pay no attention as I jump out of the car... the guy looks at me and says.... "excuse me.... can you open this back door for me....the people i was riding me left me in the back seat and it's safety locked... I can't open the back door!" I start to laugh and he starts to laugh and I open the door for him. He tells me... "Sorry Michigan lost... it was a good game though!" I agreed. He goes into the store and comes out with 3 ladies the 2 ladies get into the truck and he turns to me. I'm still filling up. He says... to me.. ."you know... Michigan and Ohio need to play that championship game together. They are the best 2 teams in the country... and this BCS crap just messes everything up." And we're off and running into another post pep rally at the gas stations. One of the ladies notices I'm wearing my Michigan shirt. She rolls down her window and says.... "hey.... are you from Michigan?" I said ..."Yeah.. " She says... "HEY ME TOO!, Where are you from?" "Battle Creek" I say. "I'm from Detroit!.. Isn't crazy that we're both living in utah?" I say... "yeah..." and then we're off into nostalgia about home sweet home.





When I finally get home, I'm exhausted. (from the excitement of the game? from all the blood test from earlier in the week? From this freakin disease riddling my body?" Who cares why I was exhausted? I changed into some footie Jammies. Sat back in the recliner, turn the TV to ESPN... and drifted off to sleep as the new's casters aruged about if Michigan should get another chance at Ohio in the National championship bowl.

Michigan may have lost this game but they are always winners to me.



I wonder if Bo Schembeckler and Woody Hayes are snacking on buffalo wings and gatorade at the tailgate party in the parking lot of the big house in the sky.





Hail! Hail!

Forty And FABULOUS!


On November 28Th. I will turn 39 years old. (yeah I know I look awesome for an old lady!)

Here's a good chance to learn at least 40 Krazy things about Kaydee.

1. I Love My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ
2. My Daddy delivered me when I was born
3. I used to have a herniated navel and looked like a little boy til I was about 4 years old
4. I love the snow
5. But I get hives if I play in it
6. So I took up playing the violin...but only for a year
7. I was an art major in college
8. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up
9. I like to give things away
10. I'm too loyal sometimes to people who aren't loyal to me
11. I'm scared to fly since 9/11
12. I can't sing but I'm always singing and dancing while doing house work
13. I have 9 siblings if you count the step-siblings
14. My favorite flowers are Calle Lillies
15. I'll dance by myself on the dance floor
16. I have a groovy Daughter that teaches me more than anyone I know
17. I take my emotions too seriously
18. I am an impressive cook.
19. I snort when I laugh really hard
20. Sometimes I'll laugh till I get bad stomach cramps or throw up
21. I'd rather go thru 9 months of childbirth, 12 hours of labor and deliv than throw up once!
22. Def Lepard is my favorite band of all times
23. And their one arm drummer inspires me to "go for it" when I'm down.
24. I'm addicted to chicken! (I'm gonna grow wings one day, I know)
25. I'm scared of Spiders, Snakes, tight spaces and the sight of dead bodies, coffins and hursts.
26. I hate people who suck up and brown nose.
27. I will over analyse a situation until I think it's solved.
28. I always have an urge to flip the bird or stick out my tongue when I take pictures
29. I love college football! (go Michigan Wolverines)
30. I' broke my left ankle 3 times: Play'n jump rope, steppin' off a curb, walkin' down steps
31. I can make money cooking my favorite recipes
32. My favorite color is the color of shrimp
33. I love taking pictures
34. But I suck at it!
35. I like to create traditions with friends and family
36. My favorite TV show is One Tree Hill. I watch it with my daughter
37. I want a puppy doggie sooo badly :(
38. I want more kids too :S
39. I'm afraid to be in a serious relationship
40. I can forgive anything. ANYTHING! But I won't put up with feeling disrespected

And now. here are 40+ things I want to do before I'm Forty!

Read 40 books
Drop 40 pounds
Walk/run 40 miles
Visit 40 different places
Pick 40 people to remember in special way
Learn 40 new things to do
Read 40 full books of Scripture
Decrease 40 hours a month TV/computer time
Forgive 40 times
Compliment 40 times
Spend 120 hours enjoying Nature( 40 x 3)
Take 40 Great Photo's
Put into play 40 great ideas
40 hours of service
Write and mail 40 letters
write 40 pages in a Journal
really learn about 40 relatives
Do 40 pieces of creative art/craft work
Save 40$ a month
Drop 40 negative things from my life


(twenty Things to do at least once )

Pedicure
facial
rock climbing
cliff jumping
Catch a fish or hunt
cook and eat wild game
fun raiser
help build a house or refurbish a house
learn to change my oil (other car maintenance)
Sew an outfit
Build a quilt
tubing (water and snow)
Attend a semi pro or Pro sporting event
Meet Julez!!!!
travel part of the Oregon trail
Visit nationally Historic place I haven't seen before
learn to cook an exotic dish /delicatessen
Sell one of my recipes
Sell one of my t-shirts
Host a big FABULOUS party!


*Well there you have it! Starting Midnight November 28Th, It's ON! November 28 2007 we'll all meet up at some FABULOUS party and see how well I did. I'll try and take as many pictures as I can.
Some of you have opted to join me in some of my efforts and I say... the more the betta! How will you be fabulous next year?

Random dumb dumb dumb!

So I'm just gonna go for it and start spitting out thoughts...

My gurl Katz said it best: "My head is too crowded with thoughts... They're all bumping into each other."



Yeah, it's like that! Ever have soo much you need to say and, yet, you can't say a thing? Don't know what to say. Don't know how to say it. Don't know if saying anything will even matter. So you just don't say anything. You WANT to talk. You NEED to talk. But it's almost like you forgot how to form the words and project them in a intelligible manor. So, you wish you had a script. In fact.... you go in search of a script: Song lyrics, quotes, paragraphs in favorite English literature, Scripture, phrases from a blog or two that you've read..... you even turn to ROCKY I-V & Hawkeye and the gang on M*A*S*H! And yet you can find nothing that expresses what is screaming inside of you. It makes you edgy and agitated.
Your kid looks at you like... "why are you sooo ADHD lately.... are you on caffeine?"


Your Phones ring, or buzz , or play that special groovy tune you picked out just for the special people in your life and your heart jumps in rapid syncopation. You grab it, the phone.. not your heart but it feels like its' going to come thru your chest....hands shaking like.... well like you spent the night in a cemetery. And you stare at it. It almost paralyzes you. All you can do is stare at it and think of all the words that won't come out anymore in regards to that person. A conversation with them will only lead to stumbling and tripping over thoughts you can't express. Maybe some tears... and ackward silences that you really can't take. You let it ring, buzz or play that groovy tune right into oblivion. You want to answer it. But you can't. Because you know it will drag you into the same rutty situation that you need to come up out of. So you keep silence until you find the right words. A day goes by, then two, then three. Still.... no words.
By day four, it's heavy on your mind that....ignoring the issues or the words you want to day.... doesn't make anything away. It magnifies it. It's like... Putting a band aide on something that needs stitches..... it will continue to be a problem, until you take the correct measure to resolve it. And it becomes a big deal because now.... every smallest details that even resembles the larger issues... makes ANYTHING that resembles the larger issue... a larger issue. You want change that way of thinking, but you don't know how.
You make a small attempt to communicate.... it's weak. But you try. By day five you wonder if your phone will ring again on day six... and if you will have it in yourself to answer. And if you don't have it in you, will those you swore you would never give up on... give up on you just after a week?
Words. WORDS. Who would have thought at the age of 3 when you're singing... that lovely little diddy about "el-em-in-o-Pee" that letters could turn your whole world upside down.

The right word can change a life. The wrong one's can take a life. None at all.... can devastate and humiliate and cause or justify an agreement or disagreement. Words, they start wars. They end wars. Words have a power like no other. Sometimes we use them opposite of how we should. We spit out words when we should hold our tongue. And we withhold words that should expressed.
Why do we do that?
My sister just called an had me read in my hometown news paper that my 6Th grade teacher passed away 2 days ago. How timely. She was the one who made the most impact on me of how important words can are to express and to have expressed back. She required us to keep a journal and turn it in each week and she would respond to us, which made us realize how important feedback is.

And now, I've run out of my own words again... so I'll leave you with someone Else's:

"Poorly chosen words can kill enthusiasm, impact self-esteem, lower expectations and hold people back. Well chosen ones can motivate, offer hope, create vision, impact thinking and alter results" 2004 Nan S. Russell. All rights reserved.

" Hearts remain broken when words go unspoken"

No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous."
Henry Brooks ADAMS The Education of Henry Adams, 1907American historian (1838-1918)


"Never express yourself more clearly than you think."
Niels BOHR Danish physicist (1885-1962)



"Words have no legs, yet they walk."
MALI proverb(Bambara people)



*** Ever had a communication or conversation where the words, or lack of them changed your life?***

I think maybe I have arrived...!

Before leaving our homes each morning we wake up, cleanse ourselves and get dressed up as if trying to wash away our imperfections and cover up our flaws. Hiding portions of ourselves from the ourselves and the world. For a small time we maybe able to fake ourselves out by fooling the world, and sometimes we may even fool ourselves convincingly of our own flaws and imperfections.
We leave our homes and go into the world and accumulate friends and acquire relationships still hiding ourselves each day.
We tend to overly express positively those things that that delight us about another person and brush off those things we aren’t too crazy about. We find ourselves mildly attracted to a person so we become willing to forgive those little imperfections about another. Then we find ourselves wildly attracted and when we should maybe support others the most we start to feel more comfortable suggesting ways to the other person on how THEY can improve. We can go on for years in this pattern. Is it fair for us to try and fix someone to our specifications while we marinate in our imperfections?
We allow ourselves to grow closer to others and convince ourselves we’re being real with who we are while presenting a “game face.” When our own imperfections begin to show up we resist and begin to hide, not trusting those around us to accept us 100%

Until…..
Until that moment of truth arrives. In each relationship and friendship a moment of truth arrives. That moment of truth? The real you. We each encounter experiences that make us who we are and cause us to define our actions and attitudes. These experiences draw us to conclusion and assumptions no matter how correct or incorrect they may be. To us, in certain situations, right or wrong, those conclusions are real.
Sometimes the defining moment of a friendship/relationship comes, not when you are at our best, but when you are at our worst. When you are broken down, unsheathed from the walls you build up and hide your imperfections behind and allow ourselves to be seen, unedited in the raw essence of any kind of fear or anger and brought to a point where there is nothing but our skin and true emotion and can allow ourselves to be seen or experienced in our deepest since of vulnerability…..you have just shown the world who you really are. YOU HAVE JUST ARRIVED. This state of vulnerability IS our greatest fear. When we find people who can accept us in our pure realness, the good, the bad and the ugly, You can honestly say… you have found someone worth having in your life. I can’t remember where I heard it, but someone said “love is experiencing someone at their absolute worst and STILL being able to see the best in them.” If this is the case…. I have indeed arrived.
This week has been the absolute worst and greatest week of my life. I have been good, I have been bad, I have even been worse and I have been ugly. Sometimes are greatest experiences are not the most fun or the easiest. Those great things we experience and accomplish sometimes come by looking our deepest fears face to face, and having it out with them anyway. No one else has to understand it or accept it as real or even a challenge, because to them it may not be. But YOU define who you are, they don’t. Some will come to know the real you and some may never know the real you. The important thing is that YOU know the real you and become brave enough to present yourself to the world. And as long as you are happy with who your are, what you’ve accomplished and who YOU ALLOW to be close to your heart that is where true happiness comes in.
Hi, “My name is KayDee, we’ve known each other for quite sometime, but I think we've actually finally just met...”

Have you arrived?

" Greatness is Measured By What Has Been Overcome."

My Soul Just Opened Up!

Those who know me know I'm skittish about death. Not death per se but, about seeing or being anywhere close to the shell of a person after they've gone to glory. But on the flip side I have a fascination with cemeteries. Names, dates, who they are. I get certain feelings and inspiration about people and what lives they lived. Sometimes I can hear their voices speaking to me from the dust. It's like a moth to the flame really because sometimes I have trouble sleeping if its been a particularly spiritual experience where the veil has become so thin I can hear their voice.
Wednesday Elle and I took a trip up to Preston, Idaho to visit the resting place of a friend of ours that passed away 2001. Usually ever President's day weekend we go and pay our respect to him and then we go to Logan to visit a baby girl whose parent's have moved to California and are friends' of Elle. I had mentioned to Elle that I wanted to get to a cemetery in Harriman but could never find it. She said she'd show me if it weren't to dark when we got back.
Well it was dark when we got back but she showed me how to get there so I could at least know where it was next time I wanted to go. It was way out and very dark. Sorta creepy, but it was OK, I had prepared myself to be in cemeteries for our road trip
Yesterday morning (Thursday) I got up, did the morning ritual took Ali-bop to school. Before I knew it I was in my car headed for Harriman. I was cranky and not in the best of moods. I was tired from the day before. Cold from the day before. I'm not sure why the cranky mood. I get the cemetery and was pretty fascinated by it. It was rather small, not office or anything to go into and inquire of anything. There was a Pioneer Memorial and a Veteran Memorial that captured my attention. I read the memorials of the people who settled the area and Veteran's that died so that we might live freely in this country. And then I walked around and found some of the resting places of these people. In my walking around I came across a very bare site. Just a cement slab, none of the garnishing and decorations that so many of the other stones had.
It simply said: "Native American, No Name, No Date."
I was mesmerized. I kept reading it over and over. I walked away with that burned into my Memory. I took a couple of steps to the left passed another head stone, can't remember the names or dated. Took another couple of steps and came across another cement slab.
This one said:
"Afro-American Woman, No Name, No Date."
I physically could not take a step for about 2 minutes. My mind could hear people calling, the name wasn't clear but it was as if they were searching for someone.was she scared? Was she lost? Was she cold, neglected?

A rush of different feelings came over me and then I felt nauseous. I grabbed my Camera and took a couple of pictures of the head stone. I began to walk away. And then I saw "Native American, No name, No Date" etched in my head as if saying...."what about me?" I went back and took a picture of that headstone. I soon left after that. My mind was focused on the images of "No Name, NO Date."
How sad. How Alone. No more! I called my sister on the way home and told her what I just experienced.
She said... "wait.. there's no birth date?"
I said "no."
She said... "no death date?"
I said "no"
I heard myself say.. "We're adopting them!" Can I tell you how cool my family is?
She said... "OK!"
She will "name" the Black Woman. I'm letting my daughter name the Native American. We don't even know the Gender of the Native American.
I also told Elle that we're adopting them. She too, said.. "OK"
I have just adopted 2 new family members. I don't know who they are, where they came from or even if they led good lives or not. But my heart has found all this love for something about them. I have to honor that. We will be going to visit them very soon.