Sabbatical

Alot has been going on in the last week or so. You can get details on the Journal of A Black Mormon Girl" blog under my menu or "web hood" listings.

Needless to say I've been out of work for a week. I tried unseccessfully in the middle of last week to return to week but it was too soon. I'm advised by my doctors to possibly take another week off work :(

Some friends of ours rented a beach house at Bear lake last week and suggested we come and join them for the weekend. They picked up Alieshia on Monday for which I am grateful. I know she was very concerned about my being ill and didn't want to leave me. Insisted she go and not worry about me. I decided Thursday it might be a good ideah to go and get away from the things that were adding to my anxiety. So we left Friday morning for the lake house.

This house was 2.5 million dollar home. It had 3 floors, 6 bedrooms (2 on each floor) with beds 26 people EASILY.

There were 2 bathrooms on each floor. The main wall in the basement is a climbing wall. The basement also had a theatre room with one wall being the screen. There was a deck off the back side of the house and and firepit with amphetheatre style seating in the back yard. The house also came with a canoe...which is one of my absolute favorite things to do in the summer/fall besides camping. It was awesome to get away from it all, clear my mind, relax and forget about the stresses surrounding me.

Friday night we went into "Pickleville" for an outdoor BBQ and a small town production of "Totally Modern Millie" The bbq and the play was really cool for small town entertainment. I really enjoy small towns and their make shift ghetto entertainment.

During the week they enjoyed wake boarding, jet skiing, wave runners, horse riding and cave exploring. They even got a rattle snake and skinned it. The evening was bonfires at the pit and fireworks on the beach. I guess Alieshia made homemade apple pie for everyone and they said it was really good. Im so glad she had such a great time. It was also fun checking out the skeletal remains of the different animals on the beach and collecting shells. I wasnt too thrilled about the bat that greeted us on the porch when we got home from the BBQ/theatre production but even that was still a little cool.

Sometimes ya just gotta get away.

Hell Has Frozen Over!

Utards, notice how it's June 11th and when you look into the mountains there is still snow? I know, I know, that hasn't really happened since 1992.
I have an explaination for that.
It appears that Hell is freezing over. I'm sure it has everything to do with my setting a wedding date.
I wrote earlier this year about a young man I knew in high school. Well he convinced me to marry him. I guess I got GOT. The date is set for sometime in September so far. We're working out logistics as he's in Michigan and I'm in Utah so we're finding ways to make things work out.

If you wanted to keep updated on how things are coming along our blog (yeah, we have a joint blog) is www.ak-collaborations.blogspot.com
I'll throw a link in my web hood menu.

Anyway, bundle up, it's going to be a frosty year.

Graduations, Celebrations and Fun.... OH MY!

It has been a whirl wind couple of weeks.

Baby girl graduated from high school.

My whole family was there and it was an amazing time. The last time all my siblings from my mom and dad WITH my mom and dad were together was 11 years ago at my younger brother's wedding. My parents divorced about 25 years ago. It was almost spooky and sort of cool to all be in the same house doing the day to day routine and having the day to day conversations. It was like a warp in time of how things might possibly have been had my parents stayed together. There was no sadness in thinking that, it was actually sort of comical. I enjoyed the time together and the family dynamic as is.

The Graduation was AWESOME! I screamed for Alieshia, her friends and all the kids in my Sunday school class. So much so that I lost my voice for a week! It was worth it. The class officers did an great job with their remarks and as they called each students name to recieve their diploma, they flashed the graduates senior picture and next to it a baby picture of them

My thoughts couldn't help but go back to her first days of preschool and all the day inbetween of laughter, heartache, peer pressure, studying, writing papers and so on. There were days when she couldn't get enough of school and days when she was soo ready to be done.
I can remember telling her how horrible I was in math and how if she needed help on it, she'd have to seek out the tutors at school. Her senior year, one of her interships was a math tutor and she earned a scholarship from it.

A couple of nights before graduation was the senior awards night. There's where all the honor students and their parents are invited to an assembly and the students are recognized for their Academic Achievments. They announce all scholarships that have been offered for each student, as well as honorable societies and awards. She rec'd a 4 year tuition scholarship at one of the State Universities, and 2 intern scholarships, one with employment full or part time, which ever they choose.

When she hit Jr High I required her to play an instrument, sport and pick a language that I asked her to maintain through high school. I wanted her social interactions to be just as important and well rounded as her academic interactions. As a result she's learned team work and leadership, international communication and the joy of fine arts through music and theatre. Although she has near perfect pitch and sings alto AND suprano, she chose to play the violin. Her language is spanish... I guess she writes and reads it better than she speaks it, and her sports were basketball in Jr high and she threw the Discuss on the track team in high school.

I think she's ready for the world. She's been several places and seen several things. I put opportunties befor her that would challenge her fears and strengthen her independance and I am quite confident that she's ready.
She'll only be 2 hours away. It's time. I'm excited to see what she can add to this world. My success as a parent has much to do with how well she functions on her own. Im anxious to see her "do her thang" out there.

She has beat all the "single parent household stereotypes"

all with dealing with one hella crazy family ESPECIALLY her mama ;)

(Mom, Graduate, Uncle)

The day after graduation was the graduation party. I think we had just over 100 people at the house rotating in and out for the night. It was awesome. She chose a "fiesta" theme so we had latin music and colorful lanterns handing outside lighting up the back yard from the night sky. We made "mocktails" ( smoothies) and hand them in colored martini glasses. I believe it was 11 pm before they even started busting up the pinata. The celebration lasted until after midnight and it was a fabulous time.

Each guest recieved a bottle of "vintage Designer Labeled water" with my graduates photo on it.

Congratulations Ali-doodle-bug-boppy-pocahonri-lieshi-ancumr!

Let's do it again in about 4 more years :)

The Job

Sometimes I complain about my job, I guess we all do. But in reality, I measure the atmosphere of where I currently work with other places of employment. Nature's Sunshine Products is unique in the way the employees treat each other... well at least in my department.

I dare say my department deals with each other almost as much out of work as we do at work. I'm with these people more than I'm with my family for the most part. They really are my second family. And we've created an atmosphere of genuinely caring for one another.
Last year one of our coworker's didnt show up for work on a Monday. When she didn't show up on Tuesday when she didn't come and no one could get ahold of her or her grown children on the phone, 2 other colleagues when to her house. Long story short she was very ill and was in the hospital for about 3 days after we found her. Her blood pressure levels had dropped to a point where she was unable to wake herself up. She was about 24 hours from passing away when we found her.
When she was in the hospital we went to her home, did he laundry for her, cleaned her home, took care of her pets, stocked her fridge. Under the circimstances...we had fun doing all of it for her. It brought us closer as friends and collegues. Some of us have gone to the movies, dinner, taken cooking classes together, bailed off for the weekend and so on. It really does make the work atmosphere more bearable AND I gives us each security in knowing we're partner on the job and look out for each other. I've never had that kind of working atmosphere.

I can remember times when we'd be off the clock and still at work chillin 30 minutes after we should have gone home. Such are the calibre of people I work with.

Other departments we enjoy as well and even partner with in company competitions and it makes it a more enjoyable atmosphere. We've gone to each others weddings, Graduation of kids from high school, shared the birth of children and grand children and several other things that secures those ties that bind.

These things make this week even more sorrowful. One of your colleagues went to preparing for his 18 year old son to Graduate high school in 2 weeks to laying him to rest on Tuesday. The basic details: His son was in a car accident due to having a seizure. was taken into the hospital to find out the cause of the seizure. A brain tumor was found and removed, brain hemmoraging, stroke, coma, and then the family pulled the plug that kept him alive after the coma. All of this happened from Friday-Tuesday. That's only a 5 day span. How is it your world can be totally normal one day and so drastically changed the next?
Although most of us in my department couldn't go to the funeral, because the world doesn't stop when people leave it, those of us who were able to go were so deeply touched and relayed all the details of the service to the department. When one of us rejoices, WE ALL REJOICE! when one of us has sorrow WE SHARE THAT SORROW.
To make matters more difficult We are in the middle of one of our conventions this week as well. So we have about 150 distributors in town touring the offices and manufacturing centers. We've been playing tour guides and hosting banquets and formal dinners and socializing at dances and such while fielding questions about the company, mixed in with questions about the the colleague who lost a family member.
About a year and a half ago we lost 2 colleagues within a few days of each other. It was a devistating blow to the company more so because we lost "family members" who some of us hand known for 10-25 years. There was an earie feeling walking the halls, as we came in we would take a head count of who was at work that day and then verify who had time off and panick if someone called in sick. After about a month things got back to normal but it was still hard on us a whole.

I've worked in places where you just go in, do your job, and leave, without any real ties to those around you. I'd much rather work in an atmosphere where I know close ties and emotions run deep.
People in my department have given rides for months when there's been car trouble,
Made meals when others were ill
Gone shopping with and for each other
taken another to 2nd jobs
Car maintenance
home maintenance
gone to sporting events
taken and picked up other kids from school
taken lunch to the hospital when a loved one was in surgery all day
visited the hospital
Forever sending flowers for various reasons
baking birthday cakes
grabbing lunch or breakfast just because
lending money when times were hard
....and the list goes on and on.

I may complain some about my job...
... but I complain about my family too...
And most of the time, this place called work
really is just like home.

It's THAT time again........!!!!

This is a Reprint from about this time last year! Since it's THAT TIME AGAIN... it's worth a repost cuz on Friday night..... IT IS ON! ;)


"Some of us have been talking about going to the Midnight drag races for sometime. Last night was the night! We started the night at the Flying J on 2100 for Steaks. The service was bad. The waitress was worse. But the steak when it game was good eatin. Afterwards we ventured west to Rocky Mountain Raceway, Home of the Discount Tire Midnight Drag Races! We traveled through the maze to get to the parking lot and found a space not too far away from the entrance. The ticket lines were long... and the people in those lines were Redneckishly Ghetto Fabulous! For 7$ you could do all the people watching and drag race watching you wanted. One of the things I liked best was the Local R&B/Rap Station was not only broadcasting live, they had a DJ set up and spinnin in a show room garage. You could dance til your heart's content. My friends and I waited in line to purchase our tickets. While in Line we came across a Ghetto Fabulously Redneckish sign that said: Any children under the age of 8 not accompaniedby and adult will be evicted from the park at 1:00 am.

I loved it! You gotta love an establishment that will make a six year old hanging out by himself jump on his bigwheel and peddle home at one in the morning if he's not with Mamma or Daddy. On the same board a 2nd sign read: Due to West Vally City Curfew ordinance anyone under the age of 15 must be accomanied by an Adult. Does that not negate the first sign? I'm telling you, the night was full of it's Redneckishly Ghetto Fabulous self. While standing in line for our tickets, I watched a family smooze their way into the stadium by paying off the security guard with a $20 bill. Let's think about this. It's $7 a person to get in. This was a family of 3. It cost them $21 to get tickets, then another $20 to get in. Just so they didn't have to wait in a 5 minute line. 5 minutes. it was actually 3 minutes because it was going so quickly. Do they realize they could have taken that $20 and added a 5$ bill to it and drag raced their own car all night long? We entered the stadium and the night was perfect for a new adventure: The smell of burnt tire rubber and diesel in the air. A plethora of teenage kids scantilly dressed and hanging off each other. There were hairless grampies and legless grannies in wheel chairs. There were babies and babies daddies and babies mama's and even Baby Mama Drama! The Latino's and Asian and African- Americans and Polynesians and Caucasian were all there, and all getting along! It was a ghetto fabulously redneckish melting pot of diversity all coming together for the same cause: TO GET OUR DRAG RACE ON!

We made our way though the stadium to our seats. The air was thick with.....the sounds of engines revving up and tires squealing and alla that. The racing vehicles....were the most eclectic assortment of match box cars and trucks any small boy would be proud of.We watched Chargers and Mustangs and Coupes. OH MY! There were Dodge Rams and F250's and Diesels dragging. Sentra's and Civics and Corolla's. Bullet Bikes and Old school Roadsters. There was no vehicle too proud to drag. I must say my favorite.... The VW Rabbit and the GM Pacer! I got a tear in my eye with pride for my country when these two cars stepped up to the mark to claim their place in drag race history at the Rocky Mountain Raceway Discount Tires Midnight Drag Races! Is this not what American is all about? Any car any where has the opportunity for success at RMR Discount Tire Midnight Drag Races.There is no Vehicle too big or too small, to old school or new, too rusted or polished, to loud or quiet to Drag race at the "RMRDTMDR."

It was a night I will not soon forget. So if your on the Wasatch Front and find yourself sitting around on a Friday on some summer night just remember, The Rocky Mountain Raceway Discount Tire Midnight Drag Races start at 11pm. (they go til about 2am.) Make sure your 8 year old is accompanied by an adult or he will get kicked out at 1:00 am. Head on out 2100s west and follow the signs for a Redneckishly Ghetto Fabulous night out! You'll LOVE IT! See you there :)"





Sooooooooooooooo Guess where I'll be Friday night?

PuZzLeS hAvE mE pUzZlEd

Around January everything felt so up in the air. Just about every aspect of life was coming together and then something happened the end of January that just blew into my world like a tornado. I saw Dorothy, the wicked witch, even poor little toto.



Not it's the end of April and the peices of this puzzled called my life have dropped from the air and landed. I'm gathering those peices and putting them back together.

As I'm putting together the items that are fitting into place I'm noticing something strange....

The peices that have landed are NOT the same peices that were up in the air in the first place.



There are some faint remnants of the old peices but it's a whole new puzzle I'm putting together.

But the scenic view on this puzzle... totally better than what I threw in the air.

( http://ablackmormongirl.blogspot.com/ )

check back on my puzzle building skillz :)

I Had A Transplant!

It's true I had a transplant. No, not and implant although I am looking at having a reduction ;)
After 18 years I've left the "UC" (Utah County- Provo to be exact).
People in Utah call Provo "Happy Valley."
Where I come from happy valley is home of JoPa and the Nittany Lions! I Love JoPa! But that's a whole nother story.

Anyway, I guess they call it happy valley because that supposed to be the place in Utah where the strict goody-goody Mormons live as opposed to other part of Utah where anything goes as long as they sit in church on Sunday or at least on special occasion. ( Simmer down, I'm just kidding). There is a HUGE division in this state and the line is right off the point of the Mountain: the Salt Lake County and Utah County lines. It's also where the state is divided as to who Votes for UofU or BYU during football and basketball season. The "Holy War" rivalry doesn't just stop at college sports I'm afraid. There is a real HATE relationship going on much like the Hatfield's and McCoys or I should say for Montague and Capulet's for those snooty educated Utahns.

There's an automatic stereo type that comes with living in the U.C (Utah county) And the U.C retaliates with it's on stereotype of living in S.L (Salt Lake county).

Me? I've lived both places. I'm a transplant from the Midwest and to tell ya the truth... coming from outside of the state it's pretty much all the same to me "YEW TAW!" So it makes me laugh when I see this rivalry back in forth outside of college sports in which the BYU fans state "You can't spell "suck" without "U". And the UofU fans state "Y?"
It's pretty entertaining to watch.

I moved to a nice little neighborhood in South Jordan. I LOVE THIS NEIGHBORHOOD!

What I like best about it: It's an old school neighborhood. When I say old school, let me describe to you a scene from a couple Saturdays ago: It was about 70 degrees. My daughter and I were in the front yard planting my favorite flowers (callla Lillies). Everyone on my street waves! They don't need to know you, they just wave, cuz it's the polite thing to do. I look down the street and people are out riding bikes and scooters and skateboards. The park is full of kids playing soccer and other games. I took a walk down the street and came across a cauldesac where a group of small kids were playing ball in the middle of the street. I remember playing ball in the middle of the street! And there was a homemade ramp for jumping bikes, skateboards and roller blades and remote control cars. I remembered a few of my own homemade ramps as well. Suddenly a little 2 year old darts outta the house stark nekkid and into the yard doing his "free at last" dance squealing and running in circles! Late that evening groups of women were taking walks, laughing and enjoying each other's company while fathers were loaded up on bikes with a couple of kids in tow behind him.

I felt like I had stepped back about 30 years before game boys, PS2's, x boxes and cell phones. We were more people oriented and less gadgetly inclined. Back when you needed to talk to a neighbor, you took a little walk and knocked on their door. Had some people to people contact and got a little exercise as well. I LOVE IT!

I love that I live in a people oriented neighborhood. Although our gadgets make life easier to live and more convenient, I have a great disliking for how physically and socially lazy they make us. I think where people would rather deal with one another thru machinery than human touch, there is a problem. I think when people would rather read texts than hear a voice, there's a problem. I think when people would rather sit quietly next to each other and watch a movie or stare at some game with hand controls, then spend time with each other engaging in conversation or attentive communication, there's a problem. I'm not saying these things shouldn't and can't be done. I just think it shouldn't be the normal routine.

God gave us great minds and creativity for these thing to be invented. I don't think they're evil, or of the devil. I do think when we spend more time with them than people it becomes a strain.
I have seen families use these tools in moderation and have the greatest joy from them and each other. I have also seen these tools break up families and be the major source of contention. There should be, as in all things, a balance.

I love my neighborhood, but in a way I feel bad for my daughter, now 18 preparing for college. When she was younger, she had basketballs, roller blades, hockey sticks, tennis rackets, bikes and so forth. However to most of her friends, these items were foreign. So when she did go and play with them, it was with the computer and video games. Ultimately she would be home an hour or so later bored. She may as well come home and watch TV since that's pretty much what was going on anyway. I like the fact she would lose herself in reading books when there was no one to play with. I became the one to go out and play with her and I'm so grateful for those times. She kept me active and more healthy than I could have been. Now we've moved to the neighborhood I wished she could have been in as a child.

Moving to this neighborhood has made me take a look at myself and my old school ways. I miss them. I miss receiving real mail from those who took the time to sit down, write out their thoughts put it in an envelope and put a stamp on it. Sure email is fun. Texting is fun. But there's nothing like getting a letter in the mail or hearing the joy, concern, anger, love and friendship in the voice of someone you love.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna like this neighborhood and am reinstating some of those old ways of communication. So I AM having a transplant. I'm reinstating the personal touch, the human touch back into my communications with friends and family. It means more... at least to me!

A Hot Toddy and a Quad!

About 7 years ago I ran with a really tight group of people I met from and LDS Online group.
We rolled really tight. There were probably about 15 of us who hung out on a daily basis after work and upto about 10 more who would come in on weekends and join us. We did everything from sponsoring an at risk teen for Christmas to road tripping 4 hours to have dinner with someone who was depressed and feeling alone. Although I'm not in contact with most of them, I will always love them, they hold a special place on my heart.
The other day I was online and a familiar buddy name flashed acrossed my I/M. I couldn't believe my eyes! So I sent a quick note:

"Is this my Hot Toddy from Green River?"
Oh my goodness it was! I hadn't heard from him in about 7 years! Dang I had a crush on that boy.
He lost a bet to me and I got to nick name him "HOT TODDY!"
Todd was a single parent of a beautiful daughter. I have never seen a father love or care for any child as much as he did for his daughter. It was amazing to witness the love her had for her. Toddy was going through a hard time, divorce, job changes, financial thing, depression and all that goes along with it. I could see he was struggling and wanted him to know he had a friend by his side.
Eventually I heard from him less and less and then not at all. Until a few days ago.

I couldn't believe it was him. I asked him how he was doing and he sounded so good and was telling me how great his life has been. It was good to hear. I was really worried about him when we were last in touch.

About 5 minutes into our conversation he says:
"I have to tell you something I don't think you ever knew"

With the recent event that have been swirling around my life this month and last month, I wasn't sure I was ready for ANYTHING that had to begin with... "I have to tell you something."

I sat silently and braced myself in my seat, waiting.


he typed: "You know, you saved my life?"

***SHOCKED***

I typed back "huh? How in the world did I do that?"
He proceeds to tell me how depressed he was back then. Ready to end it all. A struggle to live each day.

I knew he was depressed, I didn't realized he was suicidal.

On day he goes to an outdoor show. I didn't like the idea of a depressed man going to where there a possibility of guns and bows and any other manor of outdoor "toys" that could cause some self infliction. Anyway he goes to this out door show. What grabbed his interest was a 4-wheeler or 2. I encouraged him to buy. He didn't think he should.
"toddy, buy the quad!"
"No, it's too much money."
" You're worth it! You should get it, you like it! Buy the quad"
"Na, it's a frivolous spend, no rhym or reason or justification for it"

*sheesh, MEN!*

I wasn't sure why I felt so strongly that he NEEDED that 4 wheeler. But I was pretty determined to make sure he bought them.

"can you afford it?"
he says "Yeah."
"Do you love 4 wheeling?"
he said "yeah."
I said "Toddy, by the quad."
" just can't" he says. "I'd feel guilty about spending that much money"
*arg!!!!!!! Guys, sometimes it's OK to buy something JUST BECAUSE! ....SOMETIMES!*

"Todd, you have been struggling to hard this passed year. you NEED to find something to bring you joy, to get your mind off of things, to help you remember that life can be full of fun and joy. BUY THE QUAD, BOY!"

He never would have bought it had I not talked him into it. I kind of remember the desperation I felt in him having to find it, but I could never understand why I felt he HAD to have it.

TODDY bought the quad! It was after that time he eventually faded away.
He fills me in on what happened over the years:
it gave him something to focus on besides the hell in his life. he met a whole new set of friends who changed his world for the better. Changed his life. Now he's married to a wonderful woman who owns 2 salon's has a step son and his beautiful daughter is doing well in school, a great student. He is soo happy. I'm so happy for him.

You never know how far reaching the effects of your friendship may go. For me it was about more than A quad. For me it was about him finding something that brings him joy. Something he could have a reason to wake up just one more day. Salvation can come in many forms but there really is only one source of it. This is a confirmation to me that the Lord knows us well and knows how to reach us and is willing to go where needed to do so.
Even if it's on a 4-wheeler!

Twenty-Some Years Later....

If I had the chance I would go back in time to about 23 years ago to Battle Creek, Michigan. I would be a senior in high school, Co-captain of the girls Softball team and probably working on some project for art class. During lunch time there was ALWAYS something going on. We had open campus so we could leave the school grounds for lunch. My freshman and sophomore years I was always off campus but my Senior year I would hang out in the court yard and listen to the Rap battles or watch the break dancing competitions

Alot of the time I would spend kickin it with my friends walking the halls.

On those days when we would walke the halls I would spend it looking for a guy named Adonis. We had an interesting sort of friendship. From what I remember, he was always saying "girl, u crazy!" or calling me insane. We were ALWAYS laughing! 'donis use to roll mad and deep with his boy, Chris. If you found one, you found the other. Me and my sister used to say... " when they get married they're wives aren't going to put up with 2 husbands cuz them two boys are connected." There were very few times you would see one without the other.

I had a "thing" for 'Donis since the tenth grade. I thought he had a thing for me too, but I was never REALLY sure. Ok maybe I was sure a couple of times but they really were fleeting moments of surety. He always kept me guessing. Anyway there was always "that tension" between us but it was never acted on. Maybe that's what kept things fun. There were times when he Chris and I would hang out and be rollin deep. Then there were times when I wouldnt see him for months. Such is the life of high school I guess.

Senior year became really weird. It was like one day we sort of disconnected. He would probably tell you differently but I felt disconnected. I'd see him and there would maybe be some quick eye contact but not much else.

I would love to have played out one of my favorite day dreams: See him walking toward me down the empty hallway: with just me and him, grab his hand and pull him into one of the broom closet and kiss him until his legs went weak. And then just leave him in their wondering "what just happened" as I skipped off to my next class. Maybe it's a good thing I never found him in the hall by himself or at lunch time.



There were a couple of times I saw him laughing and chillin with the pretty girls in the hall. I did NOT belong to that crowd, I was pretty rough and rough around the edges. Girl Jock. I put my efforts into my softball stats and art in my senior year and Adonis sort of disappeared. He took Chris with him, cuz, you know, they were always together.



Sometime after high school when I did see him he was dating someone. He did not look happy at all. He wasn't laughing and I rarely saw him without a smile or laugh. It was always kind of sad to see him that way. After that time I left the state to go to college in Rexburg, Idaho. (yeah, long story.) But came home that summer.

The summers in BC were pretty fun to me. The Worlds Longest Breakfast table would happen during the summer time and Also the International Hot air Balloon fest, with it's various fairs and carnivals. I can remember being on a chase team and following the hot air balloons until they landed and also serving at the breakfast table and performing during the international festivals.

One day I went to one of the carnivals with some friends.

I noticed a familiar stature a little way off in the distance.

He stood tall and strong
Sexy
Stoic
Eyes: distant.
Stance: defensive
He wore a black Kangol, black muscle shirt with arms chocolate brown and RIPPED.

I made my way over to him. It had been a couple years since I'd seen him and I wanted them chocolate arms around me. I don't recall the converstaion. But I recall the feeling around the conversation. And I didn't recognize the stranger in front of me.

So much for broom closet kisses and turtledoves flying over head in heart shaped patterns.


That was the last time I layed eyes on that boy. I went back to college in the fall. After my 2nd year of college I lived in NJ. I came back home to Michigan for about 7 months and might have seen him once but didn't make an effort to acknowledge it. This time when I left Battle Creek, I never went back. That was about 23 years ago I've been back to hang with the family in Albion, Jackson, Detroit and Saginaw. But never really went back to Battle Creek.

Over the years I have thought about 'Donis. I always remembered that laugh of his quickly followed by the memory of that hard man at the carnival who seemed mad at the world and void of feeling. Always sort of bittersweet in wondering what happened and "what would have happened if...."

*sigh*

A few days ago my friend Brooklyn hooked me up to a website called Facebook. It's like internet crack or something, totally addicting. On this website you can have a page and find all your friends from the years and family members and play games with them and blah blah blah. I was setting up my page and decided to do the High School friend search. I put in my high school and the year of graduation. Out of my Graduating class of over 600 people only 3 had profiles on this web site. Guess who one of them was? Yeah, the boy. Flashes of broom closet kisses ran through my mind and I just sort of smiled and then continued to set up my page. I didn't feel the need to really contact him. The next day the voices thundering in my head kept chanting
"Adonis! Adonis! Adonis!"
They wouldn't shut up or go away. So I clicked on his profile and sent a little note. Not expecting much in return.
It turns out I guess he's been mad at me for 20 years for leaving.
GEEZE WHO KNEW! (Apparently Chris new. They're still boyz after all this time. I think that's pretty cool)
I guess they wanted to know where the heck I went.
"we thought you went to Uganda or Botswana to be a missionary swingin on vines naked in the jungle with the natives"
Well being A Mormon I can see where he got the Missionary part. And Maybe he got Utah and Uganda mixed up but Utah is where I've been for 18 of those years.
" The SMILE :)"


Anyway here it is Twenty-some years later and guess who I been chillin with for about the last week? Yeah, the boy. The best part is he has his laugh back. I love it! And I hope it never goes away.

Now where the heck is Chris?

Ps: In all fairness, this is HIS side of the story :) http://lefthandedinmyrightmind.blogspot.com/2008/02/second-time-around.html

Moments Of Truth.

Earlier this week I was faced with a moment of truth. If we're living right we'll have several of them. They let you and those around you know who you really are.
I had an error in judgement about an issue and soon came to regret it. When I approached my friend about it in broad generalities, my friend pretty much asked me about it point blank. I could have lied and made up a justified excuse letting myself off the hook and saving face. I wanted to .I thought about it. I tried to formulate the words of my false excuse but they just wouldn't come. I struggled to lie and I struggled to tell the truth. I sat dangling on that line for quite a few moments weighing the options. Since I was stuggling with both I could have easily told the lie and taken the truth to my grave. No one would be the wiser. No one would think less of me. There would be no knowledge or reason for betrayal or lack of trust. Right? But could I live with such deception? Could I look that person in the eye's ever again? Would I ever be at peace with such a thing between us? I doubted the bonds of our friendship and if it could withstand the truth. Was I loved enough to be able to be trusted again? Would this be something we could get over? Did I love and respect my friend & myself enough to be honest? No one would have to know the situation EVER. My pride was on the line. My integrity was on the line. I was afraid.
**SIGH**
For the last year I've been trying to train myself to erase fear with faith. I have a little mantra I do when the word "fear"comes to mind:
"You cannot have faith if you fear, they cannot coexist you must choose which is to survive."
This thing was making me physically ill. I hadn't eaten or slept for 2 days. Looking at myself in the mirror was not an option, I just couldn't do it. THIS WAS A MESS!

**Augh**

Before I could stop myself I found the shameful truth spilling out of me. Although it appeared to be handled well I'm sure there was anger and frustration. I'm quite sure there was disappointment. It felt so good to confess and so so bad.
It was indeed a moment of truth. We all have them. And if we aren't having them, then we're not being honest with ourselves or with those around us.

Later this week another scenario happened and the tables were turned. For some time (and I'm talking a couple of years) I've been aware of some discretions plagueing a friend of mine. They're clueless as to my knowledge of them. Some discussion was held and soon we were at the infamous moment of truth. My thoughts went back to my moment of truth earlier this week and I battled the war out in my mind all over gain :

"No one would be the wiser. No one would think less of me. There would be no knowledge or reason for betrayal or lack of trust. Right? But could I live with such deception? Could I look that person in their eye's ever again? Would I ever be at peace with such a thing between us? I doubted the bond of the friendship. Was I loved enough to be able to be trusted again? Would this be something we could get over? Did I love and respect my friend & myself enough to be honest?"

I KNOW what they were going through. I could feel the struggle and wanted them to trust and know that the friendship, at least in my eyes, could survive this or any other moment of truth.

Sad to say the moment of truth came and went. It's disappointing and rather sad. Was there no trust? Was fear chosen above faith in me and the friendship? I felt more like a stranger to my friend and that's disheartening. Some moments of truth, you never get back, they're just gone. Their impact remains. They leave impressions on the mind and in the heart. With time they may disapppear. When they do which will they take with them: pride or integrity?

What Kind Of Gone Are We talking Here?

I have a new favorite song.
Already this year has been filled with coming and going and leaving behind. That's not particularly a bad thing but it sho ain't easy. My sister and I were discussing some things last week about getting rid of the wrong kind of people in your life. I would say the last 3 years were tough for me because I had to let go of some people i cared for dearly. They were no longer conducive to my way of life and how I wanted to raise my family.

There were times I wavered on friendship thinking I was strong enough to keep them around, only to find myself back into old patterns and ways that I was better off without. Essentially coming to know my strengths and weaknesses I realized that there were some people I just couldn't have anymore, regardless of what my heart wanted. They needed to go. They needed to go because they didn't respect my decisions on how I was deciding to live and would be very persuasive in leading me away from my goals. I missed them, but who I gained has filled and over filled any holes they may have left in my heart. I do not regret what I left behind, what I gained has been much more 10 fold.

K, so my sister forgets more songs than I know. She know songs from Ludacris to Johnny Cash and everything in between. A few years ago she and i and another friend went on a cruise. We met many other people we befriended on this cruise and we became an "entourage" of sorts. Each night we ended up in the Piano bar with a Man named Marty Playing Piano. HE WAS AMAZING! If you could invision the song... "the piano man" by Billy Joel, it was just like that. Marty labled our little entourages as "THE GIRLZ" And we basically ended being his back up singers for the weekend. So when he got request people would actually request for "the girls" to sing. It was Great fun! Anyway someone requested "burning ring of fired" by Johnny Cash. I'd never heard it. You know, being a black woman I just didn't swing towards country music unless it crossed over to the pop charts. Anyway, someone request Burning Ring of Fire, so I'm just sitting there clapping along with the rest of the people on the bar and when it comes to the rousing course, I notice my sister just singing along....... like she wrote the darn song. I look over at one friend who loves country and she is all into it as well. I look at our other friends, who happen to be black as well and they are Jacked jawed and bug-eyed with me. Buffie looks at me and say..... "oh my goodness..... ain't no black chick from Detroit got no biznass knowing THAT SONG!" I fell out laughin it was HILARIOUS!

Ok anyway back to the point. My sister and I are talking about people going and coming and what not. As I'm wondering if it would just be easier if a neon sign just showed up on people's forehead with the word "GONE" on it so we would know if they should be in or out of our lives
this song comes on and she telling me... "you HAVE to hear this song..."

Apparently according to the song.... Gone doesn't mean gone anymore. Here's the Chorus:

"Well theres gone for good and theres good and gone
and theres gone with the long before it
I wish she'd been just a little more clear
well theres gone for the day and gone for the night
and gone for the rest of your dogone life
is it whiskey night or just a couple beers
I mean what kind of gone are we talkin bout here..."

Ain't that the truth? Now me and a couple other friends have been talking about "gone" and "leaving" songs and this is just one of many. This absolutely is my favorite! This song caused me to put a country radio station on my car stereo! I'm sure there are probably other country songs worthy of having me program a country station in my car but this was the one that converted me.
So now, when I think of me leaving, or someone else going or even just going to the store I think of this song. Gone IS complicated. What does it actually mean? It's not like saying... "hit the road jack..." things were so simple back in the day, when a person said they were leaving.... they really left. Never came back. THEY KEPT THEIR WORD and we believed them. lol.
These days... leaving means.... "until I miss you then I'll be back until I remember why I left then I'm gone again..."
What kind of gone ARE we talkin here....

Does anyone out there have a favorite Gone or Leaving song?

GET CLOSER

"There's a time
I when I would come runnin'.
I'd drop everything
for the touch of your hand in mine.


You were blind
and now you regret it, '
cause I can't forget it.
It's locked in my mind.

And I can't go on livin' day to day wondering if we'll be here tomorrow.
People change and you're changin'. And I've given you my all, there's no more to borrow.."

GET CLOSER.

What World IS This????

I'd like to know what world did I step into and can I stay for a while????
That last month has been absolutely incredible. It started with the Christmas Holidays filled with so much peace and happiness, at least for me and the majority of my friends. And it's gained even more momentum! And if I had my way, the momentum would not stop there it would increase into one big gigantic snowball and consume everyone I love along the way! Ummm, but not in some psycho kind of way.
As mentioned before my mother called me Monday morning to let me know my Aunt Anna passed away and that my grandmother was probably not too far behind. (Grandma and Anna are Sister's) It reminded me of a few years ago when I had 9 friends and family members pass away within a 12 month span. 6 of them within 60 days and 4 of them within 3 weeks. Although we can't control when people leave us in this life, you hope for the best and that things like this will be at a minimum.
Although I was a little down from the family news I decided to react differently than to slip into a small state of depression and grieving and so on. There's a typical attitude and pattern I have when death confronts me and quite frankly I'm sick of it. I new healthy outlook for death and even LIFE if what was in order. I was quickly forgetting the feelings and goals we made at Christmas.

Tuesday evening I began to get funny little phone calls from my sister. It was the last 30 minutes of my working day and I don't typically answer my cell. I answered and she sort of in a demanding tone asked a me question I wouldn't typically give over the phone nor would i particularly give to anyone else. But she's my older sister, so it was no big deal. A few minutes later she called me back. I couldn't get to the phone but I called her back. She asked for my zip code. I gave it and was asking her what's going on when she said...
"gotta go..." and hung up.
A few minutes later she called me again as I'm walking out of my building for work...
" Hey, what's your SSN?"
And me, being curious give it to her.
"what are you doing?" I demanded!
" Can't talk Im BUSY!" she said... "
I could hear our other sister in the back ground saying....
"girl, just stop trippin and let us do what we're doing..."
And then the line went dead. I jumped in my car and headed home. I decided to call back.... The phone rang.
" Hey what's up?" said my sister.
I was starting to get annoyed...
"Ok, you call me for my ssn, zip code, street address, verify my birth year.... WHAT IS GOING ON?" I demanded.
To which she said. "I can't talk right now..." and hung up again.
"SHE GOT SOME NERVE!" I said to myself.
By this time I'm at home trying not to fume. "ok FINE WHATEVER!" I said to myself and sat in the middle of my living room floor pouting.
I had walked in, took off my coat, kicked off my shoes and just sat in the middle of the floor quietly: No tv. No Radio. No Noise and a small side lamp on. I was waiting. For what, I'm not sure. I let my mind drift off to a friend and the Chaos around his life right now. I'm concerned for him and focusing on others helps my own issues seem lessened. I guess it could be worse, I said to myself. I just sat and listened... To my heart... the voices in my head assuring me... the clock tick.... And then my phone rang.
It was HER again.
Hmmmmm.
"Hello!" I said.
" I need you to write down a number for me...." She said.
"mmmmm hmmmmm.... " I mumbled... "what is it."
She gave me the number. It was actually familiar.
"what are you up to??" I asked... curiously.
"Well I need you to call the number tomorrow after 9 am and tell them you want the title sent to you in less than 30 days." She said.
"WHAT?? What does that even mean" I said
"Just do it after 9am tomorrow" she said giggling.
"Will they know what that means even if I don't? I asked.

She laughed and said... "yeah, they'll know. And if you think about it you'll figure it out..."
And I said.... "figure what out? What are you talkin about ?"
She asked me if I was driving still and I told her I was sitting on the floor... and then I hard my other sister saying
"I can't wait, give me the phone..." And then she jumped on the line and said..

"girl, call that number tomorrow and tell them you want them to send the title to your car as soon as possible... cuz it's not their title anymore..."

"who's car am I driving?" I shrieked in a high pitch voice.... all i need is to be getting in a wreck with someone Else's car... I was thinking...

"Cuz I don't get the title for another year and half....." I was saying...


"Girl, as of about 7 minutes ago It's YOUR CAR! It is now paid off!" I couldn't believe it!

"WHAT??? HOW? WHEN? WHY? WHO?" I was stammering.....

"Girl, we have been trying to get this done for you for the last 2-3 weeks. Have you noticed you haven't had a bill for 2 months? Your daughter had to catch the mail and steal it and give me the info of it and...." My mind was screaming. I couldn't hear a thing she said after that because my mind was screaming.....I couldn't breath..... WOW....... just WOW!

4,200. worth of dept... Obliterated. Gone!. No more. WOW!

She would have to fill me in on the details later because I could not comprehend or process what was going on. I hung up and found myself in the middle of my living room floor sobbing and shaking. I look up and gave a HUGE shout out the Man Upstairs. That feeling, that feeling we held around Christmas was back! I call my mom. Explained to her what just happened.
"as much as you take care of everyone else WHY are you so surprised?" I wasn't sure why. My family just sort of rolls that way.... doing thing kind of thing for those we care about. I think it's ingrained in our DNA. My sister said.... "shoot, I'm just having me some fun doin all this." I know exactly what she means. It's why I do it as well.... to see the joy in others. And THEN she let me in on ANOTHER surprise she's got brewing. I'm Soo excited to pull this one off! Keep the ball rollin, right?!

Can someone please tell me... "WHAT WORLD IS THIS????"

This year is a good year to be in my care Cuz I'm keepin the ball rolling and inviting people to step into my world! Start a ball rolling where you are and make this the year of the Ball.

A' Kin to Some Psycho's?

A friend of mine ask me the other day
"are you kinfolk to some psychics?"
I thought to myself,
"well I'm akin to some Psycho's "

I took me a minute to realize what she was asking. She wanted to know if I had psychics in my family because she seen what she believes is "Psychic" behavior coming from me.
"every since I known you know things that are going to happen before they happen or you know think about people that no body else really knows."

I had to laugh. It's actually true. I shared with her some experiences from my life that might be taken as mystical and strange. But to me and my family it's just normal. I wonder if it's hereditary? I usually don't share these things as most people would consider them Coincidences and they cheapen what I believe to be gifts.
My mother called me this morning. I could tell something was up when in her voice mail she said to have a nice day, like I was a valued customer. My first thinking was...
"uh oh....she's in protecting her young mode."
I believe she reserves this for me when she knows there's going to be something hard on me and possibly cause me to freak out but I need to work through it.

My first instinct was to ignore the voice message and call her back later this evening. But since I was running early for work I decided to call her back. The usual happened and she did some small talk about the weather and the weekend and stuff. And then she told me she was talking to my Aunt. I asked her which Aunt. She meant her sister. My Aunt and my cousin went over to my Grandma's house yesterday to bathe her. Grandma's health has been declining and is getting worse. Grandma told my aunt and cousin last night

" My mama and daddy are coming to get me tonight."

Grandma's parents passed away decades ago. She also refers to a man who keeps bothering her and won't go away.
"that man keeps bothering me..."
We believe the man she's referring to is my Papa who passed away in the early 70's. Last time I saw grandma I remember how she kept looking at me and calling by my mama's name one minute and not knowing who I was the next. She told us stories about how she and papa met and got married. They were HILARIOUS! She would say that man wouldn't leave me alone, he followed me, so I had to marry him. My mother, understanding her condition and knowing her mind isn't quite as sharp as it used to be simply laughed and enjoyed the stories with us. I think the thing that troubled me the most was when she smiled and said, I don't know who you are, girl, but because he let you in, I knew it was ok for you to be here. ("he" being my uncle) It was hard to see her that way.
Not being close to where she is or able to see her often it's always difficult to hear of her declining health.

This morning my mother was calling to tell me that Aunt Anna Passed away. She was 92 years old. She looks JUST like my Grandma. She should, she's my Grandma's Sister. Do you think it is by coincidence that Yesterday my grandma said her mama and daddy were coming to get her, and her sister passed away the very same night? I don't think so. This stuff happens too often for me to believe it's just coincidence. So when grandma also mentions how "that man just keep bothering her" I'm pretty sure she's talking about my Grandfather as well. It's not uncommon for myself or even my mother to have appearances of families of friends come to us through dreams or thoughts and impressions. I'm pretty sure this happens to everyone anyway so it's really no big deal.
One night my papa came to my mother in a dream (papa was my mother's father.) He was in the suite he was buried in. In his hand lay a small casket. He called her by name and told her to open it. My mother didn't open it. He asked her again to open it and again she refused. When Papa asked her why she wouldn't open it, she said "I think i'll see you lying in it. I want to remember you like this, not lying in there." We were awakened the next morning by a phone call very early. It was the husband of my mother's best friend at the time. He had just found her on the kitchen floor, she died of a heart attack somewhere in the early morning.

One of my experiences: I was in college and it was a couple weeks, if that, just after the holidays. My roomates and I were playing some sort of game and the phone rang. I jumped up and answered the phone and it was my mom. I heard her voice she simply called my name. Before she could say anything more I said to her "Grandmother died." She responded "Oh, you've talked to your father and he's told you." I replied, "no, She just told me herself." It was true, my Grandmother had passed away. There have been times when I've heard her voice, felt her hug and smelled her purfume, especially in times when I've been alone and afraid. There have been multiple occassions in my life with these experiences and some of them have passed on to my daughter. Are we psychic? Not by any stretch of the imagination. I believe everyone has the opportunity to have these experiences. I just feel that some are more in tune to the next life than others. I believe it's a learned thing and I also believe it's a gift. We all have certain gifts that those around us may not have. I think this is just one of those.

When my mother told me my aunt passed away last night the first thing that came to my mind was "this is great, now I'll get to know her even better than when she was alive." I suprized myself in thinking that, because I wasn't sure what that meant. I'm still not sure what it means.
My mother also suggest I be prepared to hear from Papa. She thinks, as i do, that Papa is trying to get Grandma's attention. But she never really listened to him when he was alive. I guess some things never change :). Mom said I'm the one most likely to get any messages. We believe he's going to be the one to come and get Grandma since they've been apart over 30 years. I guess since she saw her parents coming, it won't be too long befor she recognizes "that man messing with her" is her husband coming to bring her home. Shes' my last surviving Grandparent. I'm nos sure if I'll be able to get back to see her before she leaves but I've been filling my mind lately of as many memories as I can of all my Grandparents. My Grandfather, my Father's dad just passed away early Autumn, about 3 months ago. In some ways you rejoice because their suffering is complete. In other ways you cry because all you have left is memories of them.
I'm positive they would have us remember them with laughter and love. It would sadden them for us to focus on their absence instead of creating ways to keep them near. I'm very impressed with a familywhere the father passed away. It is a mother with 2 small children. This family speak of Dad as if he'll be home with them tomorrow or later to night around dinner time. It's amazing to me.
A conversation would be something to the effect of
"my dad is going to love the model air plane I'm going to make. That's one of his favorite things it to build and fly them. So when I'm finished I'm going to go fly it for him!"

Some may think, "that poor kid doesn't know that daddy is not around." ON THE CONTRARY... that kid understands that even though he cannot see daddy, daddy is STILL around. And there are times when he can make daddy proud or disappoint daddy as if he could see him.
I'm grateful for lessons such as these that remind us that we are just as connected as family in life as we are in death.
I didn't know Aunt Anna well at all. I knew who she was but didn't know her. I spent the day thinking of her and shedding tears and Im not sure why. But I realized today how powerful the connection of family can be, even family we don't know so well still is connected to who we are. A part of me mourned for Aunt Anna today and it was a real loss and pain in my heart. I'm not sure I understand why I cried for this family member I didn't know. But I know I felt a real connection of love for. I know now, more than ever, the strength of family ties are eternal.

Looking Back On 2007

This was a tough year for just about everyone I know including myself. For me it was one of the greatest experiences I've ever had. I'm not so naive as to associate great with all happiness and smiles. 2007 was great with growth and struggles and fears and it was equally great with over coming them. Greatness comes with growth and change. I would like to think I accomplished some of my greatest changes for good this last year.
The world really starting "clicking" this year. I'm able to look back a specific times and incidences and pin point exactly the "AH HA!" moment where in that moment of time the world came together.

I learned much more about the character of people around me, who they really are. I made some tough decisions on who to keep around and who to let go. I let got of some people I love but were not particularly great travel partners. When I say travel partners I mean even though they were people I love, respect, had a wonderful time being with I had to move them to the back seat because they would distract me from my main journey. Read my "Journal of a Black Mormon Girl".
I'm grateful for those with whom I've gained true friendship. These are those who are still around. Some of my travel partners got upset when I focused on the purpose of my Journey. In their desperation they tried to barter and bargain. I often felt this was a great disrespect for who I am and what I believed and was trying to accomplished. In my opinion anyone who knows what you stand for and what you believe and they impose their desires upon you which are not conducive to your goals and focus is not only disrespectful, it's manipulative. I love these people, they are my friends and in some instanced even more. I traveled with them off and on, we would fight and argue then make up and be friends then fight and argue. Until the day came when I finally asked myself why am I compromising my values and goals for those who aren't respecting my values and goals? Although I enjoy the time I spend with them for the most part, the distraction effects my goals and my family goals. These decisions are hard when hearts are involved.
I learned to let go. Man, I tell ya, this is one of THE HARDEST things to do in life. I got fed up with waking up with a sinking feeling of failure each day. I found strength in my family and the example I wanted to be to my daughter's, nieces, nephews and the others who I have a strong influence on. I found myself believing one way and living another. I tried always to teach the right thing but that wasn't working out for me. I could not live one way and tech my family another and have it be truly effective.I'll always remember the look of disappointment on my daughters face when I would engage in things or allow somethings to happen that shouldn't have.
Living in that kind of chaos, stress and guilt each day took it's toll on me. I decided to fight for myself and my family.
When we make decisions to make changes in our life it feels as if the whole world around us resists. I guess the world wants to make sure we're serious about the changes and will throw everything in out way to frustrate the situation to make sure we're serious and strong enough to make those changes we desire. Depending on where u really are in you're life you'll either cave to the pressure and revert back or allow that pressure to diamonize you. Diamonds end where pressure begins. There was great resistance in myself and in others for the changes needed. I even has situations arise that I thought were LONG GONE. Each time I took a deep breath and said... "Bring it on." When it came I cried and wined and cussed and pushed people away. It hurt. It hurt so bad it doubled me over. It hurt so bad some days I just couldn't get out of bed. It hurt so bad sometimes i just slept so I wouldn't have to sleep and other days it work me up so I couldn't sleep. It wasn't pretty but I went through it. The Ugly and the bad I went through it. I revisited those pains and angers that I kept stuffing down and went through it. I kept coming up and I kept going through it because when it comes up, it comes up to purge its self from you, and only then can the healing begin. I got me all sorts of healing done in 2007. And it feels good.

I faced 3 of my greatest fears this year. I wont share them here, those who know me already know what they are. I tell you there is almost nothing greater than facing that fear and overcoming it. Each fear I've encountered I tried to remember you cannot have fear and faith. And it's in those moment where you learn who you really are and what you're capable of. Knowing that and mastering who you are a great key to happiness. It provides faith in yourself and in in whatever higher power you choose to believe in. For me, that would be God.
I know that I can face whatever fears I have, rational or not and be ok. And as crazy as it sounds.... Just keep spiders away from me, I'm not there yet with spiders.

I became absolutely wonderful this year. People tell me this all the time. I just started believing how right they are. It took me 40 years to fall in love... with myself. My crazy hair. My voluptuous body. My mind. And my ability to draw people in. Even people I don't care for would like to friends. And if those i don't even care for love me also and think I'm fabulous, who am I NOT to believe that REALLY am absolutely fabulous? Exactly. I've learned my boundaries. I have learned when I have to walk away, stay away, shut my mouth, scream inside while smiling outside. I like that my family and friends recognize when those times are. I rec'd a call one day from someone I was just peaked with. They kept phoning and phoning and phoning. Then my daughter answered my phone and let them know... "you may not know this, but she is staying away from you for YOUR benefit, not hers. It may be best for you to just step off for a bit and let her come to you or you probably will not like the outcome." (Thank heaven for little girls.) I know myself well enough to know when I need to stay away. I've learned to respect that about me, because there were times when I crossed my own boundaries and the aftermath has not been pretty at all. Knowing and sticking to your boundaries is a good thing.

2007 I tried to purge those things that were plaguing me spiritually. This was hardest of all. But it was so so so so worth it. It feels good to be good and to be doing good. It feels good to know that I've stopped trying to do the right things and are actually doing the right things. People try all their lives to accomplish things and never get passed the trying to actually doing. I am doing the right things and that feels good. I'm not saying there aren't times when I get frustrated because it looks like those not doing the right things are getting all the things I want. But I know that looks are deceiving. I'm deciding to put my all into what I know is right and I've never been happier. My family has never flourished more. Those people and places and things I thought I'd miss have been compensated for by other people, places and things. The pain dulls and the joy surrounds and overcomes it.

Focus on what matters most. I had a tendency to focus on the hear and now. I want what i want when I want it. I think I know what's best because I know how good I feel when I get what I want. I have come to realize, although it may be feeling good now, is it hindering my future and my final resting status? These things have become important to me. I've many friend who feel they are beyond striving for that eternal happiness so they're just going to go with the flow. I've decided I'm going down kicking and screaming. No body can say I quit and went with the crowd. I'm not quitting and I'm no longer willing to settle. 2007 taught me how to be a fighter.



Looking back on 2007 it truly has been one of the greatest experiences in my life. I'm looking forward to what 2008 brings all it's ups and downs and hills and valley's. I plan on continuing to just get better with age and time. And I plan on encouraging that greatness in those around me.
Welcome 2008!

Because Someone Else Gave

When the holidays come do we start to spend
As a token of what we can’t say?
Is it making up for time unspent
of the things we should do everyday?

As we open our boxes and stocking and bags
Wrapped in nice little paper and bows.
Do we scoff at a trinket and wonder the cost
With a smirk and upturned nose?

How often do we simply brush gifts aside
Unwelcome and left in the shade?
Forgetting the only reason we have received
Was because somebody else also gave?

The importance of giving is a key part of life
remember it down through the age?
God loved us so much
And for our lives to touch
His only begotten… he gave.

So unselfish a gift he presented the earth
a savior to show us the way
for there is no other perfected enough
to give us great hope every day.

This only begotten he sent us
his life was to make us all free
his focus unwaivering
his teachings of love
instructing us just how to be


While his time here on earth was not very long
his impact will surely amaze
his path clearly marked
from the time of the start
until now in these latter days

when his time came to suffer the sins
of each child, woman and man
his body then bled
and the pains of us shed
he would not deviate from the plan.

The only begotten given to the earth
to save the sons of man
then have him self again to us
to fulfill Heavenly Father’s plan.

Do we take this as trinkets we discard to the side
cuz it’s not what we wanted to get?
Do we scoff at how little money was spent
and compare the value met?

In all that you purchase with checks and with cards
and with cash and coupons on hand
how often do you think of the love you can give
to him, your fellow man?

Real Love can’t be found
in pretty wrapped boxes
or stocking and festive bags
the greatest of gifts can be found any place
ours was in swaddling rags

these rags held a baby brought into the world
by the father , who wanted to give
and again these rags were draped on the one
who died so that you might live.

When the time comes upon us
once again to show just a token of love
Do we spend our hard cash on
nick knacks and stuff
or do we take example from above?

Instead of gifts with the glitter and glow
and lights that go flashing all day
Remember the only reason you have received…
was because someone, with love, for you gave.

Karyn M. Dudley © 2006

Karma... baby.... KARMA!

Some Colleagues and I were talking about Karma, and how much we love her.

One of them mentioned how his Parents: father and step-mom were getting a divorce. Here lies the scenario....

The Father met the step-mom while his Mom and Dad were still married. Apparently the marriage was on the rocks and divorce was going to happen eventually. Step mom befriended that dad and they became very close. Too close for a man who still was technically married. I guess his father didn't really divulge that he was married and therefore encouraged what should have been taboo closeness. Mom found out and blew a freaking gasket. Step mom found out about the wife.
Now Karma says
"a decent woman, or any woman respectful of God, herself (especially herself), bonds of marriage and the man she's interested in should have backed off until a divorce was final. They could be friends from a distance but let the husband and wife figure their stuff out and get whatever they're going to do finalized and done before moving in."
Weeelllll..... Step mom didn't do that. In fact, she "supported him" by encouraging the closeness of their inappropriate friendship in fact, she poured it on and threw herself at him every way possible making herself available to provide all the things the current wife wasn't providing emotionally, physically and so forth thus encouraging him to be in favor of divorce . Before the divorce was final their relationship was very inappropriate.
Karma says.. "
dang, at least wait for the ink to dry on the divorce papers, ms shameful."
A short time after the divorce was final Dad married step mom. Sure there were troubles as any marriage would have. No one could really tell there were trouble because together they posed a united front. But deep down inside, step mom was always wondering where dad was, who he was with, what he was hiding and so on and so forth. I guess what it came down to is she could never truly trust him because he sort of was with her inappropriately while still being legally married. She was always fearful about him meeting... someone who would not encourage him to make sure he'd done all he can to save the marriage. Meeting someone who would inappropriately encourage him to become emotionally close and attached in a way that may be not quite right for someone who is not exactly available. She was afraid he had friends who was basically just like her. I guess she figured out.... Step mom should have let that man alone until everything was final. She should have given him some breathing room to get things taken care of with his former wife and family making sure their welfare was secure and on track. And then she should have allowed him to take sometime for himself, regroup, find out who he is at this time in his life and what he wants and allowed him to get himself completely together. She should have had enough respect for herself to not wanna be THAT woman or even the REBOUND woman. Cuz THAT woman is paranoid, insecure and full of doubts as well. And so was her marriage. It's not really known if Dad did anything inappropriately while being married to step mom, but Karma says: "if someone will cheat with you, they will cheat on you." AMEN to that.

Props to your mama, Jackson, for putting up with that crap then and for being able to hold her head up and smile at her life right now.

This is why I love Karma!

I KNOW I'm Not The Only One....

I know I'm not the only one who wants a taser.

I mentioned it the other day to a few people and recieved some shocked looks. But the more I talked about wanting one, the more they started to admit they wanted one too. There is a world-size closet full of people who want tasers!

I was pricing them the other day and found one for 350$. That's not so bad. They come in a couple different colors as well: Basic black, grey, silver, blue and pink. That's right I said PINK!

I'm no so crazy about the color pink, but I'd get a pink taser. That's the ULTIMATE ego blow:

"the perpetrator went down from a pink hello kitty taser!" ( heere kitty Kitty KITTY KITTY!) Awesome! You can bling it out like you do your cell phones with stickers and rhinestones and alla that.

So in most states tasers are legal. You only have to be 18 and complete a back ground check since they aren't considered firearms. I'm thinking about getting my daughter one when she goes off to college. With the way college campuses are these day I think it's a good idea.

I've been reading alot about cops getting taser happy. I couldn't be a cop for a few reasons: I'd shoot first and ask questions later. the good thing about that is I wouldn't shoot to kill, I'd just shoot to stop, you know, blow out a knee cap if someone is running, or an elbow or wrist if I think someone is going to go for a weapon. Just my luck I'd hit an artery and kill someone. But the great thing would be, I could TASE someone instead. But I'd get taser happy too. I read about the guy who felt the cop shouldn't have stopped him and he got all macho and lippy in front of his wife and kids. I KNOW I would have tazed him, too. There's just a standard of respect that you give people who have weapons. I don't care who wrong I think a cop may be, i'm not going to turn my back on him before he's done with me. I'm really not gonna get in his face and get lippy. I'm not saying that's what the guy did, I'm just saying I've seen it done before and knowing the kind of person I was, I'd tase someone simply for disrespect. Yeah, I could never be a cop. Which is sad because one of my best friends and I always dreamed about being cops together. I'd be the bad cop, he'd be the good cop. *

sigh*

We even spoke in code:

"The eagle is in the nest!"

or from our favorite TV series M*A*S*H

"The wind just broke his leg."

I miss him! He actually did become a cop. I loved living vicariously through him. Even better he went on to become a Secret Service Agent. I really love hearing about his SS stories. ( ummmmmmm... of course the unclassified one's ;) hmmmmmmmm. I wonder if he has a taser, or could get one on the BFF discount?

In all my conversations about tasers the passed few days I've actually come across people who WANT to be tased so they know what it feels like. I could provide that service for them!

I'd open up a kiosk in the mall where I would taze you for $7.50. And I would taze your friend for 5$. There could be a 2 for 1 special on valentines day: "Happy Valentines... TAZE!" or " Proved my love with a valentines taze". T-shirt for $10. One of my friends suggested "Taser Tag!" Well why not? If people would pay to run around the woods getting shot up with balls of paint, why not stick them in a maze with tazers?

I'm more than happy to provide this as a service!

So I think I've come to the conclusion that I'll defineately at some point get a taser. And I've narrowed it down to the pink or blue one. I'll get it with Raggedy Ann on one side and "don't dis da doll" on the other.

yeah, I want a taser. Who's with me?

40 and FABULOUS!

A week ago today was my 40th birthday and it was FABULOUS! I'm going to be one of those women who does not care if people know my age! I came into my 39th year fearful and broken. I could feel that all hell was about to break loose but I also knew it had. I've learned much about myself this last year. I finally realized what I want and what I need to do to get it. The world started "clicking" this year. I figured out myself and what works for me and against me. I know there are certain things I absolutely MUST do to get certain results. No compromise, no questions asked and more importantly NO SHORT CUTS. The effort is worth the results. As I look back an my 39th year I see smoke, ash, stifled fires, and a plethora of broken dream and ideals that did not suite me. It was a year of scattered debris as I fought to get my life back on track. I find myself smiling as I close the door to that vision and lock it. To me, it is gone. That door is closed, never to be opened again. I am EXCITED for year 40. There is a mysterious anxiousness to move forward and learn and experience and grow. There's sweet relief in realizing who you are and whose you are. No longer a fear of the unknown but an excitement in the adventure of it.

Let's talk about my Birthday party. When planning the big FOUR-OH party I initially envisioned a black and white semi-formal affair. Nice dinner, some music, really elegant and nice. So I put the idea in motion. The more I put it in motion the more out of sorts I felt.
I said to myself, "I've maybe been elegant 3 times in my life. This is just not me." So I scrapped that idea. Someone asked me what I was doing and I told them probably nothing. That's when they said... "we should go to that pizza parlor where we have so much fun!" DING DING DING! The bless went off in my head. I had flash backs of being a little girl and daddy always asking me, "So what are we going for you birthday dinner?" "PIZZA!" I'd always say. And what do you want for your birthday the parents would ask. RAGGEDY ANN & ANDY! It was the perfect idea. We had the birthday party at Mountain Mike's Pizza. This place had pool tables, air hockey, video games and such. It was awesome!
We ordered pizza, garlic cheese sticks, drinks and so on.

I had a white cake with strawberry filling. It had a pictures of Raggedy Ann and hugging her teddy bear
.
I LOVED IT!

There was about 60 people in the back room. 17 of them were kids and 9 of them were age 8 and under. I requested white elephant gifts. It's always been more fun for me to give away gifts then to give them. Everyone 8 and under received a gift and a handful of candy I had rec'd from my work party. I had all the adult anty up on whatever quarters we had and then we handed them out to the kids and patted them off to the video games. It didn't matter that they weren't good at the video games or pool or air hockey. THEY WERE LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT, and so was I. The kids on the game floor, parents in the party room listening to music, relaxing and socializing. I split my time with the kids and the parents until time to open cards and gifts. A couple of the little kids handed me my gifts to open. They were happy to hand them to me and pick up the wrapping. After cake and gifts, more games and dancing in the party room. I went to check on the smaller kids and noticed a couple of the bigger kids playing air hockey. I'm not sure what happened but something inside of me got the urge to "body surf" across the air hockey table. Before my forty year old body could stop my four year old mind, I did a body dive across the air hockey tables in the middle of their game. IT WAS AWESOME! The kids laughed and jumped up and down and clapped. A couple of the adult came out and saw me across the table, legs dandling in the air over the sides. I'm SURE they thought I had some accident that landed me across the table. Nope, it was all me. Perhaps it was one last stretch and saying goodbye to youth and those carefree childhood things.

Naw, that's not it. Because about an hour later I did it again! My Fortieth birthday was AWESOME! My only regret is that when I look back on such an amazing day, I will miss the faces and smiles of those who couldn't make it. And if that's the only regret I have, then that's not so bad, I guess they were there in spirit.
I have a feeling this "fabulous and forty" year is going to be phenomenal! I've never been more at peace with myself.
Something happens at the age of Forty: A light came on. Madea said if your light doesn't come on by that time "Check yo bulb." The greatest thing so far is giving myself permission to be happy. And REALIZING it's not worth throwing away eternal blessings for temporary desires. Been there, done that. It's such a GREAT feeling knowing you are doing the right things. I'm sleeping at night, I'm happier, I'm more able to deal with things of stress better. And I'm less stressed. How shameful it took 40 years to get to that point.
Cheers for at least another 40 years putting it all into practice.

FORTY AND FABULOUS!