January 21, 2007

A Leap of Faith

Words and Music by Lynne Perry Christofferson

Moses Mother Placed her baby in a basket on the water
when she hid him in the rushes he was found by Pharaoh's daughter

Oh, she took a leap of faith, kept her tiny prophet safe

Young boy David was a shepherd, yet he chose to face a giant
and while Israel's army trembled, David trusted God and triumphed.

Oh, he took a leap of faith, and the spirit made him brave

Oh, good people never fear
for your God is ever near.
he will grant sufficient strength
when you take that leap of faith

Good Queen Esther, full of beauty, recognized her Solemn duty
So she fasted, she was prayerful, risked her life to save her people

Oh she took a leap of faith, they were spared a cruel fate.

Oh good people never fear
for your God is ever near
he will grant sufficient strength
when you take a leap of faith.
Oh , you must take,
must take
A leap of faith.
(sound byte)

It's been a tough weekend. It hurt like hell and I wouldn't trade anything for it.
It started with early morning meetings 3 hearse and a casket, afternoon meetings and a blessing. That's not counting today. I'll spare the details of the things that just don't matter to the story.
You know when you reach that point of rock bottom, whether it be emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally?And you decide to hold on for.... sometimes... weeks, months years? When what you really need to do is drop. Let go and let God. It's a hard thing to do, submit and let go. But it's so very necessary to our growth and our healing. I been swinging at the bottom of that rope for a couple years now, trying to be in control of it all. If I can just hang on, then I can pretend or fool myself into thinking I am in control.
You can only swing so long. You're legs will get tired of dangling. Your arms will get tired and cramped. Your hands and fingers will get blistered and callused from holding on to whatever rope or flaxen cord you've got yourself tied to, and in the process, your heart is getting more hardened and callused over as well. Eventually, something has GOT to give.
And you, knowing these things... keep holding on. Do you realize you're facing off with GOD.... YOU CAN'T WIN. You're creating a challenge.... a competition you have no business creating and no way of winning... and you know this. It's making you miserable. And you are making those around you miserable. It's damaging friendships and possibly family ties.
But you just hang on...swinging & dangling. Like Satan's bait. Because if you aren't submitting or having your faith in the Lord... then exactly who are you submitting to? And if you aren't doing anything... you still aren't turning to God.

I got tired. My heart broke "completely" this weekend. I cannot even begin to describe what that mean. But if feels as if you are absolutely exposed. No shame. No pride. No stubbornness. You acknowledge your unrighteousness even in the smallest degree. And it comes in layers and waves and can last for hours.... at least mine did. You realize the hurt and actually feel the pain you have caused from your accusations, your sharp tongue, your anger and insecurities, your improper actions. There is no... taking that stuff back... it's out there, the damage is there. All you can do is attempted to ask forgiveness and start to rebuild. It feels so bad...... and it feels so good. Because you realize .... all this time.... you don't have to carry all this... crap! You could have unloaded at anytime. You wanna smack yourself for taking so long. So many years wasted. The anxiety, frustration, stress of always being on guard. It took it's toll. I hardens the heart. I don't want to be numb and running on simulated feelings anymore. I simply dropped. It was scary. It is scary.

I also broke down and got a blessing which started the process going
I told them I wasn't really feeling ill or anything, but I did go into what's been bothering me for some time and effecting me to the point where I can't hardly stand living with myself. And also some recent happenings that I felt were spinning out of control that I just had failed to deal with in a proper manner and didn't know how to deal with them.
The blessing came...and the direction I rec'd was sooo crystal clear. So specific. So promising, reminding me that those strengths that I have long forgotten are still with me. And to remind me that those I have entrusted with my faith struggle to be worthy of it and do not wish to fail me, and I will soon know it. But also to remember most importantly it is my Faith in God that will NEVER fail me. It was very tearful and touching experience. And then the blessing went on about health issues, and how important it will be to follow the Dr's recommendations. I was amazed....
Did he know about:
the recent nose bleeds?
the lump in my breast?
The knots in my stomach that keep you from eating?
The sharp pulsating pain in my chest that doubles you over every few days and has you sleeping sitting up
or the heartache?

As my sister put it.... "yeah, its' God, of course he knows."
She's right, of course he knows.

I read a book that pretty much broke me down even further if that's possible... helping me realize as did my blessing that I have no been fair to some people. And I need to go back and correct it. That the atonement levels the field of fairness. If Jesus Christ has taken upon the sins... then for me to not sincerely forgive someone is the same as me begrudging Christ.

Because he has taken upon that sin for those people I refuse to forgive* I, in reality, am refusing to forgive Christ who is acting in behalf of those people. I have been thinking of all the things I tried to and failed or really didn't let go of: Anger buried but not let go, hurt redistributed or saved for a rainy day, unkind words and defensive accusation that do nothing but shoot daggers.*
The words.... "if you have done it to the least of these.... you have done it unto me.." have played over and over in my mind hundreds of times the in the last 24 hours. I've always heard it and have known what it has meant. But I have never felt the painful effects of it until yesterday. And as my sister would say... it's gonna leave a mark. I have to face the facts that some will not believe the apologies and bring the forgiveness. I can't blame them. I've got to prepare for that. For him... Savior, they did leave marks: in his hands and feet.

My story today started with a song. The reason was because... after all I experienced this weekend, with the blessing and the emotion and pain....and the councel on faith, the Young Women of the ward... and the leader... (yeah, I'm one of them leaders) Sang that song today in sacrament. I'm so glad we practiced it twice in Young Womens first... I couldn't get through it without breaking down during our practicing of it. Third time's a charm... I held up pretty well while performing it.
If you don't think that song was today's reconfirmation from the Holy Spirit, of all that it graced me with yesterday.... I would say.. you are mistaken. I'm willing to be wrong, but this time I don't believe I am.


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Anonymous said...

I ended up here because I was looking for the words to this song. It's a shame the only comment on here is spam, because this post is golden. Thank you for reminding me of my own life-changing letting go moments and sparking my desire to have that humbling type of experience again..