January 05, 2008
This was a tough year for just about everyone I know including myself. For me it was one of the greatest experiences I've ever had. I'm not so naive as to associate great with all happiness and smiles. 2007 was great with growth and struggles and fears and it was equally great with over coming them. Greatness comes with growth and change. I would like to think I accomplished some of my greatest changes for good this last year.
The world really starting "clicking" this year. I'm able to look back a specific times and incidences and pin point exactly the "AH HA!" moment where in that moment of time the world came together.
I learned much more about the character of people around me, who they really are. I made some tough decisions on who to keep around and who to let go. I let got of some people I love but were not particularly great travel partners. When I say travel partners I mean even though they were people I love, respect, had a wonderful time being with I had to move them to the back seat because they would distract me from my main journey. Read my "Journal of a Black Mormon Girl".
I'm grateful for those with whom I've gained true friendship. These are those who are still around. Some of my travel partners got upset when I focused on the purpose of my Journey. In their desperation they tried to barter and bargain. I often felt this was a great disrespect for who I am and what I believed and was trying to accomplished. In my opinion anyone who knows what you stand for and what you believe and they impose their desires upon you which are not conducive to your goals and focus is not only disrespectful, it's manipulative. I love these people, they are my friends and in some instanced even more. I traveled with them off and on, we would fight and argue then make up and be friends then fight and argue. Until the day came when I finally asked myself why am I compromising my values and goals for those who aren't respecting my values and goals? Although I enjoy the time I spend with them for the most part, the distraction effects my goals and my family goals. These decisions are hard when hearts are involved.
I learned to let go. Man, I tell ya, this is one of THE HARDEST things to do in life. I got fed up with waking up with a sinking feeling of failure each day. I found strength in my family and the example I wanted to be to my daughter's, nieces, nephews and the others who I have a strong influence on. I found myself believing one way and living another. I tried always to teach the right thing but that wasn't working out for me. I could not live one way and tech my family another and have it be truly effective.I'll always remember the look of disappointment on my daughters face when I would engage in things or allow somethings to happen that shouldn't have.
Living in that kind of chaos, stress and guilt each day took it's toll on me. I decided to fight for myself and my family.
When we make decisions to make changes in our life it feels as if the whole world around us resists. I guess the world wants to make sure we're serious about the changes and will throw everything in out way to frustrate the situation to make sure we're serious and strong enough to make those changes we desire. Depending on where u really are in you're life you'll either cave to the pressure and revert back or allow that pressure to diamonize you. Diamonds end where pressure begins. There was great resistance in myself and in others for the changes needed. I even has situations arise that I thought were LONG GONE. Each time I took a deep breath and said... "Bring it on." When it came I cried and wined and cussed and pushed people away. It hurt. It hurt so bad it doubled me over. It hurt so bad some days I just couldn't get out of bed. It hurt so bad sometimes i just slept so I wouldn't have to sleep and other days it work me up so I couldn't sleep. It wasn't pretty but I went through it. The Ugly and the bad I went through it. I revisited those pains and angers that I kept stuffing down and went through it. I kept coming up and I kept going through it because when it comes up, it comes up to purge its self from you, and only then can the healing begin. I got me all sorts of healing done in 2007. And it feels good.
I faced 3 of my greatest fears this year. I wont share them here, those who know me already know what they are. I tell you there is almost nothing greater than facing that fear and overcoming it. Each fear I've encountered I tried to remember you cannot have fear and faith. And it's in those moment where you learn who you really are and what you're capable of. Knowing that and mastering who you are a great key to happiness. It provides faith in yourself and in in whatever higher power you choose to believe in. For me, that would be God.
I know that I can face whatever fears I have, rational or not and be ok. And as crazy as it sounds.... Just keep spiders away from me, I'm not there yet with spiders.
I became absolutely wonderful this year. People tell me this all the time. I just started believing how right they are. It took me 40 years to fall in love... with myself. My crazy hair. My voluptuous body. My mind. And my ability to draw people in. Even people I don't care for would like to friends. And if those i don't even care for love me also and think I'm fabulous, who am I NOT to believe that REALLY am absolutely fabulous? Exactly. I've learned my boundaries. I have learned when I have to walk away, stay away, shut my mouth, scream inside while smiling outside. I like that my family and friends recognize when those times are. I rec'd a call one day from someone I was just peaked with. They kept phoning and phoning and phoning. Then my daughter answered my phone and let them know... "you may not know this, but she is staying away from you for YOUR benefit, not hers. It may be best for you to just step off for a bit and let her come to you or you probably will not like the outcome." (Thank heaven for little girls.) I know myself well enough to know when I need to stay away. I've learned to respect that about me, because there were times when I crossed my own boundaries and the aftermath has not been pretty at all. Knowing and sticking to your boundaries is a good thing.
2007 I tried to purge those things that were plaguing me spiritually. This was hardest of all. But it was so so so so worth it. It feels good to be good and to be doing good. It feels good to know that I've stopped trying to do the right things and are actually doing the right things. People try all their lives to accomplish things and never get passed the trying to actually doing. I am doing the right things and that feels good. I'm not saying there aren't times when I get frustrated because it looks like those not doing the right things are getting all the things I want. But I know that looks are deceiving. I'm deciding to put my all into what I know is right and I've never been happier. My family has never flourished more. Those people and places and things I thought I'd miss have been compensated for by other people, places and things. The pain dulls and the joy surrounds and overcomes it.
Focus on what matters most. I had a tendency to focus on the hear and now. I want what i want when I want it. I think I know what's best because I know how good I feel when I get what I want. I have come to realize, although it may be feeling good now, is it hindering my future and my final resting status? These things have become important to me. I've many friend who feel they are beyond striving for that eternal happiness so they're just going to go with the flow. I've decided I'm going down kicking and screaming. No body can say I quit and went with the crowd. I'm not quitting and I'm no longer willing to settle. 2007 taught me how to be a fighter.
Looking back on 2007 it truly has been one of the greatest experiences in my life. I'm looking forward to what 2008 brings all it's ups and downs and hills and valley's. I plan on continuing to just get better with age and time. And I plan on encouraging that greatness in those around me.