April 26, 2009

I've Got Problems...

I know it. And knowing it is such a blessing. I was having some discussions with some folks and for some reason the new Kelly Clarkson song "My Life Would Suck Without You" came into play. One in the discussion mentioned they didn't care for the song and then quoted the following verse:

"I know that I have issues... but you're pretty messed up too" And how dysfunctional it was to be in that kind of relationship with that kind of thinking. I had to disagree. In my perspective.... When everyone stops trying to hide the fake persona of being perfect and always right and start acknowledging and taking responsibility for their own "mestupness" (messed-up-ness) Relationships would get better.

Seriously, I know that I have issues. I feel that knowing I have shortcomings helps me realize I have things I can improve on. If I don't acknowledge them, the chances of them becoming bigger problems increase. Knowing that everyone else around me is messed up some how.. (And don't EVEN FRONT folks, we all have issues and there are things about us all that are messed up. If you are ALIVE you have issues) allows me to see them through real human eyes. There is no perfection in people and how they are.

I guess for some this could seem pretty depressing. For others they have just left the page all offended. Whatever! See ya, buhbye. Those folks have greater issues then they're probably even aware of.

I think when we try to hide our flaws and issues from those we love and care about, it creates greater problems. Does that mean come to the table and confess everything? Not at all. What it does mean is ....We, those folks who love you... we see your flaws and short comings, just as you see ours. And for those of us who really love and care about you, it does not diminish your self worth or value in our eyes. It is when you hide them, justify them, manipulate and lie to us to protect your ego and shattered sense of esteem that there becomes REAL issues.

It's been a tough year in the self worth department on this end. My world was absolutely shattered. There was no hiding it. And for the first time I can remember I had no desire to hide it. I didn't go around advertising it, whose who know me know I'm not the same Woman I was last year at this time. I have displayed to those around me my weakest darkest moments. To tell the truth I was too weak to hide the truth and at the same time strong enough to not care what others think.
How grateful I am for that realization. I learned that in all my "mestupness" I was surrounded by a stellar support group who gathered around me and lifted me up when I was too weak to stand on my own. I learned who can deal with a certain illnesses and situations that need extreme care and who just can't hang in those situations. I learned who has the knowledge, patience, desire to realize what they had to offer, bring it forward without reservation and care for a friend in need.

On the flip side: I also learned who is selfish, impatient and not understanding of anyone else needs but their own. I learned that in a crisis situation or a situation where I or someone else may need extreme care, some folks just don't have the mental or emotional tools to deal with such situations. Those folks you hope you aren't alone with when something goes down cuz if you need the help, you're out of luck... they will make sure to take care of themselves even when they are the one's not needing care.

There is something to be said about being "messed up" and having a desire to improve on that. If you pretend it doesn't exist, you will never seek to make improvements.

I feel sad for the man or woman who is always seeking and advertising to be right. These are those who will question all their "crew" for validation when there is an issue. Usually one considers the "crew" to be impartial. When really the only "impartials" who can be impartial know nothing about you to make an impartial suggestion. The "crew" is simply a bunch of friends who we go to who make US feel better after we've been called on the carpet about something. First we get defensive about it, then instead of taking that self inventory we get defensive and make justifications and then call the "crew" for validation. Because to admit we messed up would make us feel less in our own eyes. And we assume it makes us less in the eyes of others.

I have much more respect and am more willing to walk the fire with someone who can say: "I have a problem I know it has the potential to be damaging to the relationship. But I am willing to work on it and need your love and support while I try to improve"
I would and have walked the fire with THAT person. Than the one who has that pride routed so deep they can't see their own mess, or makes excuses their mess is the result of someone else always messing on them. Failure to take responsibility is another HUGE issue. Blaming others for your own laziness, lack of desire or ambition.

Thee are time when we all are put in a position of victimization. Someone who has practiced their agency in such a way that it invades or upsets your own. There are indeed times when we will suffer at the cause of others. And there are indeed times when others will suffer at the hand of us, so don't get it twisted. If you in any way shape or form justify revenge, abuse, manipulation etc... you have bigger problem.

There come a time and place for resolve.I remember those immature days of "revenge" and trying to get someone back for something. There was such temporary satisfaction for me. My conscience would get to me and eventually there would be more agony and guilt over it that I would find myself more miserable than the misery I was wanting to place on someone else. Some folks would call that a weakness. My Grandmother would call it Strength. She would call that a God-like quality. "When you begin to lose those feelings of guilt and misery, then you have stepped too far of the path"

In closing I say I know that I've got problems... and you're pretty messed up too. Embrace it. I'm not saying admit it and be OK with having the problem. I"m saying we all have them. And the sooner we start to acknowledge, take responsibility for and work to improve our own, the sooner we're have better relationships.

That's all I'm sayin.