October 11, 2006

Why DO We Hide?

Somebody explain this to me like I'm an eight year old:

Why do we hold back tears? I do it. You do it. We all do it. Well some actually don't do it, I admire them kinda folk.

Today, I got home from work. Sat in a chair and spent the better part of about an hour trying NOT to cry. Finally I asked myself, WHY? Cuz my one self is saying..."girl you know ain't nothin like a good cry! You know the kind where your nose runs and you choke on our snot and your stomach has butterflies and is all boiled up and your whole body is shaking .You just wanna let loose and wail! Go for it girl, you deserve it cry yourself a river, girl!"

Then the proud self was saying...."no girl, don't do it. cuz then you gotta explain it to the kid in the next room, and you'll get mad at her cuz you dont want her to see you this way. You're the strong one. You're the one people come to when they cry. Crying is weak. Suck it up, you'll be alright. You alway come thru and no one ever needs to know."

Yeah, well that proud witch won tonight, again. *sigh* Why do i let her bully me into winning? So while my daughter was in her room doing homework. I sat in the stillness of in my living room in my reclining football chair. Tv off. No stereo. Just quiet. I listened to myself. I listened to my mind tell me lies. I listened to my heart tell me truths. I listened for The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit. I tightend all my muscles to stop myself from trembling. I crossed my arms in front of me and held real tight. One shaken deep breath. Then another... and another. The trembling stopped. But when I paid attention to the butterflies boiling up in my stomach, I would start to tremble again. I knew that if I started this cry the way I wanted to have, I WOULD NEVER STOP!

Y'all been there before and stayed a while,too, haven't ya?
You've cried like that, yeah? Shoot, we all have a time or two.

Another shaken deep breath.....and again another one. Finally the butterflies went away. I stopped trembling. And the silent cry began. The tears just rolled. And rolled. And kept on rollin. They rolled for about 30 minutes and then next thing I know it's an hour from the last time I saw the clock and I had cried myself to sleep. My eyes were swollen. Hell, they still are and that was like. 6 hours ago. My throat actually hurts from the screaming inside.Every once in a while I catch an involuntary deep breath that hurts my chest. Anyway I woke. Picked myself up, brushed myself off. Hardened my heart a little more.

I realized tonight that it really does hurt more holding that shtuff in. More of a strain on the heart.And the brain. And there ain't a thing wrong with letting it all out when it happens like that.
It takes a strong person to share the hardest emotions.

Guess what? Proud self...? GURL...Next time... YOU LOSE!
Cry me a river.... ANYTIME~

October 09, 2006

I Need A Mormon Holiday!

Yeah, that's right i said it... A MORMON HOLIDAY! It's tough being a member of the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter Day Saints. That's ok and all but everyone once in a while, I need a Mormon Holiday. That's a Sunday off. No that doesn't mean I pick a Sunday and break all the covenants and gospel laws and stuff. That just means I've had it with meetings and Im not gonna go. Im going to stay home and truly have a Day of rest. I can, can't I? Aren't we entitled?

Exodos 20:7-11
7You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name. 8Remember the sabbath day, and keep it holy. 9Six days you shall labor and do all your work. 10But the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, your son or your daughter, your male or female slave, your livestock, or the alien resident in your towns. 11For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day and consecrated it.

Lets visit the definition of rest:
1. Cessation of work, exertion, or activity.
2. Peace, ease, or refreshment resulting from sleep or the cessation of an activity.
3. Sleep or quiet relaxation.
4. The repose of death: eternal rest.
5. Relief or freedom from disquiet or disturbance.
6. Mental or emotional tranquillity.
7. Termination or absence of motion.

And now lets visit the Definition of Worship:

a. The reverent love and devotion accorded a deity,( an idol, or a sacred object.)
b. The ceremonies, prayers, or other religious forms by which this love is expressed.
2. Ardent devotion; adoration.

Ok the reason I bring all this up is this: I swear us members of the LDS faith have a 10th commandment: We must hold meetings.
Sure meetings are necesarry in the planning of successfull events. But must we have all the planning meetings on Sunday? We are already in church for 3 hours. And if each auxiliary holds their planning meetings after or before the 3 hour block of worship... well... let's take a look all the different other meetings we have: Now let me clearify, not everyone has to go to all of the ollowing meetings. But a good majority of us go to one or two. If you're lucky they arent on the same Sunday and they aren't last minute.
3 hours of church, leadership meeting, presidency meetings, welfare meetings, High priest group meeting, key scouter meetings, committe chair meeting.. and if you're doing something extra, like standards night, choir, night of excellence, or roadshows, those planning meeting arent all the time but they do tend to happen ona Sunday as well.
Each auxiliary has their own presidency meeting, then committee meeting.
Oh and then we have our Home and Visiting Teacher's we're supposed to fit in. Most of the time, they want to come on Sunday. Because you if 3 hours of church are enough, lets just come over and get that First Presidency message in as well. Because you know, there's usually only 4 sometimes 5 sundays in a month. And we can ONLY come on one of those 4 days, because Mondays are reserved for family nights.. so that takes out another 5 days out of the month. So you know that only leaves 20 OTHER days/afternoons, nights evenings that we can have these other meetings.

Firesides! Did I mention Firesides? If there's a fireside happening, then chances are you'll be trying to slip a meeting in before the fireside. OH, wait... Dinner! A person's gotta eat, right? Becuase we must nourish our bodies somewhere in there.
So I ask you. WHERE IS THE DAY OF REST? Cuz it surely isn't Sunday! There is a difference between Sunday worship and Sunday meetings. And between the both, Sundays are becoming my least favorite day. It feels like a work day just like any other day. There is no physical rest. There is no mental rest. There Spiritual renewal is becoming short lived on Sundays. Not enough time to fill that Vessle for the week. Perhaps this is why I prefer Home or Visiting Teachers in the middle of the week, when Im pissed off or peaked and could use a message to get me thru til my busy day of worship and meetings on Sunday.

Mormon Holiday! That is simply a real day of rest. Church Worship. No meetings. No visitors. No having to go out and visit. Come home, put on some jammies, and dwell until I have to get up for my job Monday morning. The only requirement is Church, Dinner, some light reading if i feel like it, stillness and quite. AHHHHHHHH, doesn't that sound just glorious?

I wonder how the church would function if we were mandated to only have Sunday worship on the sabbath? Our Temples aren't even open on Sunday. Could that mean I really should be taking the day to enjoy my family or friends and not jam pack it with meetings? And do we really need to have other meetings on Sunday? There are at the most 26 other days, at the least if you exclude family night...21 other days to get our meetings accomplished.


Mormon Holiday....Who's with me?

October 08, 2006


A few weeks ago I was watching my Michigan Wolverines from Ann Arbor play the leprechaun team from South Bend Indiana. As my team was well ahead going just about 1/2 way through the 2nd quarter, I decided I would take a little nap. Knowing myself I figured I would wake up right about time to see my wolverines finish devouring their bowl of lucky charms.
I sat back in my easy chair recliner and started to drift off into what I could feel was going to be a fabulous nap. I hit that stage where you're deep in relaxation but can faintly hear what's going on around you. Next thing you know I hear the leprechaun fight song. I snap awake with feelings of piss-ocity. I was slightly miffed. Hearing that song can only mean one thing: Touch down for the leprechauns. Except it wasn't the touchdown that miffed me. Wolverines were far enough ahead that we had this game in the bag anyway before it was even half time.
Now on football saturdays you'll find me on the phone alot with my brother and sister. We discuss, rant, rave and do our armchair coaching on the cellulars.
Flashback to high school: My high school team was called the Bearcats and our colors were blue and gold. This prolly explains my love for the U of M maize and blue. Well and the wolverines are just too cool. I mean dig that flashy helmet at the top of the page! Our fight song goes to the tune of "On Wisconsin" Our arch enemy and cross time rivals were the Spartans. Their colors are purple and white and their fight song is that of "the fighting irish march." It gets better. My beloved grandmother was a bearcat! Her eldest son, my dad, was a spartan. (po thang) He would go around singing that song in a house full of bearcats so we knew the words and knew them well. Check this...the last game of the season, when the bearcats would play the spartans, my ghetto daddy would wear his purple and white and cheer for his alma mater while sitting in the blue and gold seats in support of his sons. SHAMELESS!
Back to that song. To me that song represents everything I loath about the high school rivals. They were the snotty rich kids and everytime they we played them there were police escorts, extra security, cans and bottles being thrown at the buses, name calling.... everything you need to make for a good Friday night high school football game. I can remember being in the grocery store the year they made state playoff's and one of our guys going up to one of their guys saying.. "we want you to know that the Bearcats are routing for you." To which the Spartan said..."we dont need your freakin support!" So that song reminds me of that day and how shallow our cross town rivals really were.

Anyway, so I snap out of my nap upon hearing that song and I call my brothers who was also watching the game. Now my brother was a football star in high school. He played offense and defense and was scouted out by serveal of the big colleges. He had a chance at a good football career, but made different life choices. Anyway, I call my brother and say..."man, I was drifting off soo good into la la land until i heard that fight song. I CAN'T STAND THAT SONG!"
And then he says... "I can't stand that song either...and i dont even know why!" Now this took me by suprize. I couldn't tell if he was just kidding. Then he says.. "I never did like Notre Dame's fight song it just always rubbed me the wrong way.." So I say... "well, because it was Lakeview Spartans fight song and everytime we heard it it meant the rivals scored points." He said..."that's not the spartan fight song.." I started to laugh cuz he just don't know. Then I said...."ask your sister..." my sister was in the room with him... He says to her..." hey, what's the Lakeview spartan fight song?" She begins to sing their fight song lyrics to the tune of the leprechaun fight song. And then my brother says... "OH SNAP! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I never paid attention to their song, I just went in and played my games." I fell out laughing. 23 years after high school he figures it out. WHAT A BONEHEAD!!!!
Wait there's more!
My dad is Michigan State Spartan fan. He was a spartan as a kid and will die a spartan fan. I think my sister likes them too. My brother and I are Univeristy of Michigan Wolverines fans. We were blue and gold as kids and will die Blue and Gold fans. Today, the Spartans and the Wolverines played for the Paul Bunyon Trophy (see previous blog about college rivalry trophy's) Guess who won?
And the rivalry lives on....!

****PROPS TO THE BYU COUGARS! I dont even care too much for the cougars but I promised I'd be supportive this year. I even won Tickets to today's game. They beat SDSU 47-17. Wasssup wit dat????? Rah Rah Rah *cough... cough... cough...!* (sorry, must be the wolverine in me choking on that fight song.... but hey I tried)