July 28, 2007

It's Not About My Broken Bedroom!

I woke up this morning after a sleepless night. I jumped out of bed at the sound of my sister's ring tone. I know I sounded like crap, she would just chalk it up to maybe me just waking up instead of having no sleep at all. We had a good conversation. One I've needed all week. I unloaded on her about people, places and things.

After we hung up I decided I needed to get going on some cleaning and packing of things that I no longer need or wanted, because the next 3 weeks are going to be hectic. I basically pulled everything from my closets so it's all currently on my bedroom floor. It looks like DI threw up. I noticed my matress & box spring wasn't level. Sometimes the bottom of the bed frame will come apart which caused the foot side to be slight lower. I Pulled off the top mattress and then went to pull off the box spring. As I pulled up the box spring it caught the left edge of the head board. That side of the had board popped off stripping the screws and breaking the surrounding boards around the screws. It could be fixed if I had someone handy around to reinforce the moulding around the screws. I get my little power screw driver and start to unscrew the right side of the head board. I can be salvaged. I love that head board, I wanna save it if I can. I take out 3 screws, no problem. But there's always the one stubborn screw. It wouldn't budge. It was even causing my power driver to do some funky kind of "clicking" as I tried to drill. And yes, men, my screw driver was was going the right direction. I let go of the power drill for a second and caught small splinter in my finger causing me to drop the side of the head board i was holding..... which stripped the last screw from the head board and broke the supporting wood around it. *sigh* Well at least the head board is now off. It's sitting by my couch in the living room.

I walk back into my bedroom and look at the bedframe and I was right, the bottom/foot supports were off. I sit inside the bed frame and begin to fit the thing back together. When I have it just right, I put on the clip and begin to screw it so the 2 ends of the bed frame secure themselves. Except it's not supporting. The tighter I screw the more the clip starts to slip from either the top or the bottom. So I get on my knees and hold the clip really tight with one hand so it stays in place as I twist the screw with the other hand. The clip still seems to slip from the top support or the bottom I turn the clip over and do it again with the same results. For ten minutes I fiddle and adjust and hold and screw and unscrew and start over again.

Out of nowhere I find my self shaking and not being able to catch my breath. I suddenly realize I'm on my knees doubled over head burried in my hands and I'm absolutely sobbing uncontrollably.

Inside I'm screaming....
"it's not about the screw! It's not about my broken bedroom!"
"It's about getting no sleep! It's about making tough life decisions all year long, and especially this week! It's about doing it alone, no feed back, or opinion or advice.
It's about feelin every whip of another person's pain and tears. It's about silence on the other end of conversations.
It's about being concerned about others struggles while being left with your own. It's about reaching out and being caught the wrong arms while the correct arms push you further away.
It's about needing a reason to visit someone or needing a reason to see and hear and feel them.
It's about them having other plans. It's about events and arrows and shields. It's about hammers and nails. It's about knowing what to say and knowing what to do or, not knowing what to say and still knowing what to do. It's about confusion, frustration, guessing and second guessing.
It's about not wanting to talk, wanting to scream, and wanting to talk and not being able to scream. Its about wanting to keep it all together but needing to fall apart so you can have a good look at what's really inside of you. It's about trying to provide what someone needs without
ever knowing what they want. It's about being the best. It's about Investing with little interest. It's about not knowing if you have anything left to give and realizing that if you do, you'd willing spend that, too. It's about knowing when you have lost and walking away feeling broken, exhausted and defeated. It's about it being hard to leave, but it being even harder to stay. It's about not knowing if it's about you or me."

But it's NOT about my broken bedroom!