February 08, 2008

Moments Of Truth.

Earlier this week I was faced with a moment of truth. If we're living right we'll have several of them. They let you and those around you know who you really are.
I had an error in judgement about an issue and soon came to regret it. When I approached my friend about it in broad generalities, my friend pretty much asked me about it point blank. I could have lied and made up a justified excuse letting myself off the hook and saving face. I wanted to .I thought about it. I tried to formulate the words of my false excuse but they just wouldn't come. I struggled to lie and I struggled to tell the truth. I sat dangling on that line for quite a few moments weighing the options. Since I was stuggling with both I could have easily told the lie and taken the truth to my grave. No one would be the wiser. No one would think less of me. There would be no knowledge or reason for betrayal or lack of trust. Right? But could I live with such deception? Could I look that person in the eye's ever again? Would I ever be at peace with such a thing between us? I doubted the bonds of our friendship and if it could withstand the truth. Was I loved enough to be able to be trusted again? Would this be something we could get over? Did I love and respect my friend & myself enough to be honest? No one would have to know the situation EVER. My pride was on the line. My integrity was on the line. I was afraid.
**SIGH**
For the last year I've been trying to train myself to erase fear with faith. I have a little mantra I do when the word "fear"comes to mind:
"You cannot have faith if you fear, they cannot coexist you must choose which is to survive."
This thing was making me physically ill. I hadn't eaten or slept for 2 days. Looking at myself in the mirror was not an option, I just couldn't do it. THIS WAS A MESS!

**Augh**

Before I could stop myself I found the shameful truth spilling out of me. Although it appeared to be handled well I'm sure there was anger and frustration. I'm quite sure there was disappointment. It felt so good to confess and so so bad.
It was indeed a moment of truth. We all have them. And if we aren't having them, then we're not being honest with ourselves or with those around us.

Later this week another scenario happened and the tables were turned. For some time (and I'm talking a couple of years) I've been aware of some discretions plagueing a friend of mine. They're clueless as to my knowledge of them. Some discussion was held and soon we were at the infamous moment of truth. My thoughts went back to my moment of truth earlier this week and I battled the war out in my mind all over gain :

"No one would be the wiser. No one would think less of me. There would be no knowledge or reason for betrayal or lack of trust. Right? But could I live with such deception? Could I look that person in their eye's ever again? Would I ever be at peace with such a thing between us? I doubted the bond of the friendship. Was I loved enough to be able to be trusted again? Would this be something we could get over? Did I love and respect my friend & myself enough to be honest?"

I KNOW what they were going through. I could feel the struggle and wanted them to trust and know that the friendship, at least in my eyes, could survive this or any other moment of truth.

Sad to say the moment of truth came and went. It's disappointing and rather sad. Was there no trust? Was fear chosen above faith in me and the friendship? I felt more like a stranger to my friend and that's disheartening. Some moments of truth, you never get back, they're just gone. Their impact remains. They leave impressions on the mind and in the heart. With time they may disapppear. When they do which will they take with them: pride or integrity?

9 comments:

Sherpa said...

Yeah, I had a moment of truth a few days ago and it was something I didn't want to, but need to deal with.

ShaBANG said...

It's funny, we have these things come up and then we feel sometimes that NO ONE ELSE has to deal with it. Crazy. I'm glad someone can relate :)

mckenzi said...

Yes, we all have moments of truth. You are not alone.

A thought: Courage is not the absence of fear. We feel the fear and do it anyway.

We can ask ourselves, "are my intentions fear/shame based, or love based. It's good to write about it so others know they are not alone.

You are doing fine. Ask yourself what you can learn from this and move on.

ShaBANG said...

Lessoned Learned. I do NOT like that feeling and the inner turmoil it caused.

Laura said...

I had one a couple of weeks ago with someone who'd been mentally terrorising me for months. It was awkward but needed to be done for my sake and for the sake of a few others. I hated doing it but it felt so good to have it out in the open. It was like a cancer that needed to be removed or atleast acknowledged. It had been eating me from the inside out for a long time...
Feels good to have dealt with it and to know I'm not the only one who's had to deal the discomfort of doing so.

ShaBANG said...

Y'all know I debated sharing these incidents because sometimes we think people will judge and think less of us. But I'm glad I did. I'm so glad we all have these moments, I guess you'd be a robot not to have them. It's really cleansing to share it and it gives other people permission to "cleanse" as well. I'm glad I confessed this weakness :)

Laura said...

Thanks for sharing it. For a bit I felt bad that I'd upset people because of it but it's good to know there's another sister out there who has my back if things did get messy.
I appreciate you :)

ShaBANG said...

I love you, girl!

Travis said...

A mantra from a novel that I enjoy:

"I will not fear. Fear is the mind killer. I will face my fear and let it pass through me. Only I will remain."

It's abridged a little bit, but that's essentially the message. It has served me well in times of need.