October 11, 2006

Why DO We Hide?

Somebody explain this to me like I'm an eight year old:

Why do we hold back tears? I do it. You do it. We all do it. Well some actually don't do it, I admire them kinda folk.

Today, I got home from work. Sat in a chair and spent the better part of about an hour trying NOT to cry. Finally I asked myself, WHY? Cuz my one self is saying..."girl you know ain't nothin like a good cry! You know the kind where your nose runs and you choke on our snot and your stomach has butterflies and is all boiled up and your whole body is shaking .You just wanna let loose and wail! Go for it girl, you deserve it cry yourself a river, girl!"

Then the proud self was saying...."no girl, don't do it. cuz then you gotta explain it to the kid in the next room, and you'll get mad at her cuz you dont want her to see you this way. You're the strong one. You're the one people come to when they cry. Crying is weak. Suck it up, you'll be alright. You alway come thru and no one ever needs to know."

Yeah, well that proud witch won tonight, again. *sigh* Why do i let her bully me into winning? So while my daughter was in her room doing homework. I sat in the stillness of in my living room in my reclining football chair. Tv off. No stereo. Just quiet. I listened to myself. I listened to my mind tell me lies. I listened to my heart tell me truths. I listened for The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit. I tightend all my muscles to stop myself from trembling. I crossed my arms in front of me and held real tight. One shaken deep breath. Then another... and another. The trembling stopped. But when I paid attention to the butterflies boiling up in my stomach, I would start to tremble again. I knew that if I started this cry the way I wanted to have, I WOULD NEVER STOP!

Y'all been there before and stayed a while,too, haven't ya?
You've cried like that, yeah? Shoot, we all have a time or two.

Another shaken deep breath.....and again another one. Finally the butterflies went away. I stopped trembling. And the silent cry began. The tears just rolled. And rolled. And kept on rollin. They rolled for about 30 minutes and then next thing I know it's an hour from the last time I saw the clock and I had cried myself to sleep. My eyes were swollen. Hell, they still are and that was like. 6 hours ago. My throat actually hurts from the screaming inside.Every once in a while I catch an involuntary deep breath that hurts my chest. Anyway I woke. Picked myself up, brushed myself off. Hardened my heart a little more.

I realized tonight that it really does hurt more holding that shtuff in. More of a strain on the heart.And the brain. And there ain't a thing wrong with letting it all out when it happens like that.
It takes a strong person to share the hardest emotions.

Guess what? Proud self...? GURL...Next time... YOU LOSE!
Cry me a river.... ANYTIME~


Katz said...

sometimes everyone needs a good cleansing cry. i cry about EVERYTHING... and the past 9 months, it's only gotten worse. but there's the stupid little crying sessions that are over in like 5 minutes and then there's the good long healthy cleansing cries that leave you feeling like you rode roller coasters and screamed all day.

Anonymous said...

WE CAN ALL RELATE. Especailly me. I think I go sometimes years without a good LONG psychotic release becasue like you, I feel that the only people who really can bear to see me like that are so far way and the local friends I have would just not freaking understand and if I try to tell them it comes out like a bad page out of a dr. suess book. NO DAMNED SENSE.
I am grateful that you let down and cried. I think it is our souls way of surviving this sometimes hellish existence called life. My sadness is that I couldn't be there to help you thru it. NOt that you need help crying but everyone needs comfort after something like that and for us women, we usually turn to the food or a man. Sheesh.... isn't that the root of many of our needs to engage in the SELF CLEANSING CRY?
Anys... i love you and you know where to find me. I need to engage in that myself. Perhaps today will be the day.

ShaBANG said...

"...everyone needs comfort after something like that and for us women, we usually turn to the food or a man."

Neither of which I seem to have around when the real time for comfort hits.

"When those in the flesh form break me down, My Father in
the spirit form will lift me up"

Thats my affirmation for the rest of the year.