You feel like your life is a series of failed 2ND chances and unanswered questions. You didn't even know you used up your first chance, and were never told you had a 2ND chance.
How often do you look to your right and see an empty seat just to look to your left and stare in the face of it's identical twin? No one understands your anger, sadness and fears. Your mind is searching for reasons, grasping at straws, coming up with possible conclusions to determine or justify. The reality is:
You are Angry
You are Sad
You are Afraid.
Is it the crackling in your lungs that makes the Dr say..."that doesn't sound good, we need to schedule further testing?"
Is it the lump in your breast?
The knots in your stomach that keep you from eating?
Is it the sharp pulsating pain in your chest that doubles you over every few days and has you sleeping sitting up or
the heartache reminding you that their "A & B" list are filled, you might have spot on their "C" list?
You look into your mind and search for hope in those friendships where you thought you could find comfort, rest, love. They mean the world to you
When is a good time for anyone to travel into your reality?
Is your reality just as important as hers? She has no food, she hasn't eaten for 2 days. She has a sick baby and no car.
Is your reality just as important as his? His family is ill, He's preparing for the worse. He lost his job and is having a hard time paying bills.
Your reality IS as important as hers and his, just not to her or him. OR, maybe it is just as important to her and him, but you're strong, you've always been able to handle things well. What could they possibly do to help you?
It's not a competition. So you push your reality aside.
What's it to you to travel a couple of hours and stock her shelves with food? Or make a Dr appointment for her baby and take her to that appointment?
What's it to you to try and be a listening ear or voice of support no matter what time of day or night? Or give him job leads?
You laugh when they laugh, you cry when they cry, not only that you cry for them and about them. You are even there when you don't know what to say or they don't know if they need you to be there.
You can't help it, it's your "calling" to be "that" friend:
You always travel outside of your own and venture into those realities around you, picking up hammers to help build. Laying down
You feel good, because God said move and you moved. You feel hurt because you know you're going down a one way street. You feel guilty and hope the latter doesn't cancel out the former. The blessing and hurt and guilt mingle together, intertwined like the perfect mixture of sweet and sour with a grain of salt.
Reluctantly You enter back into your reality:
It hasn't moved. They're the one's calling and waiting for you like old friends ready to hang out!
You sit in stillness and silence for answers, comfort and security. The quiet becomes so loud you cannot stand it so you force your thoughts to venture outside your own realm and back into the reality of others:
Did she eat? How's the baby?
Does he feel better? Did he find a job?
The great beyond sends you a reality postcard:
She not only ate, she threw a dinner party in your honor! She didn't mean to forget your invitation. Her baby is now well but had she waited a much longer it would have been much worse, even life threatening. They meant to let you know. But she and her know you are just happy to help. You know they mean their thanks.
(you are mentally strong and emotionally stable and glad to help. Thank you is enough! Your heart calls you "liar.")
He not only feels better he went out with some friends the other night and had a wonderful time! And his calling on your job lead went great and started a month ago. He and him intended to express their gratitude and thanks. But you know they meant to share their thanks so you'll be ok they didn't let you know.
(you are mentally strong, emotionally stable and glad to help. Thank you, when it comes, will be enough! Your heart calls you "liar")
Does it matter what led you to do those things? Your heart told you it should be done and you stepped up and answered the call. Why doesn't a simple thank you feel like it's enough? If it was of no great importance to them, then why did it feel so urgent for you to ease their discomfort?
They didn't ask or imply your help. Why do you keep doing that?
Because for some reason you feel you are supposed to.
You turn quickly and peek back into your reality and sigh. You see yourself looking to your right, at no one, and to your left staring at it's identical twin.
You feel yourself slowly fading out of their reality, at least until they need again. Thats when you know you'll be remembered by them.
Your reality slings you back to your world. You lay down and curl into a ball blinking back tears of loneliness which turn into tears of selfishness, which turns into tears of anger for feeling lonely and selfish. You can't breath, because of the pain in your lungs and heart. You can't even cry without reality's reminder of the physical hurting. The irony makes you smile through the pain and tears. Again... the perfect mingling of sweet and sour with a grain of salt.
Reality reminds you.... hey look... A real smile! You are grateful and sad for it. Grateful because you still have it in you so, you grab it tight and hold onto it. Sad, because you know in your mind that sharing your reality and fears.... wouldn't change a thing.
Invitations will always be forgotten. Intentions will always not come. And you will always be "that" kind of friend to say "hey, that's what friends do, I'm glad I could help."
Inside your heart will again be screaming.... "LIAR! you tell them that you are afraid and you need them and you tell them how you need them! Tell them!"
YOU JUST CAN'T DO IT.
You will always ignore the screams.
In your fear, the words you want to say come out wrong. They attack, blame and accuse. They distort your vision and clarity. They chase people away like a pit bull protecting it's owner at all cost.
You can't ask for what you need because, when you do ask, the need doesn't come. You don't have it in you anymore to ask. It just reconfirms what your reality tells you every time: "They don't really care. If they cared you would somehow feel it, and they would somehow show it. It they cared they would make sure you KNEW IT!"
Will you always look to your right and your left and find yourself sitting in between the twins named "forgotten" and "unappreciated?" And will you always wonder if someone will hear and answer when you call? It feels like it.
At least until the shes and hes in your world check in with sadness or sorrow in need of a friend or with excitement and happiness and tell you how fabulous their reality is... without you.
Are some of us just meant to face things alone not by choice, but because others just don't come? Are some of us meant to face things alone simply because the lesson is in being able to face them alone?
The Lesson is : We are never really alone. There is ALWAYS God even if "she" and "he" never venture into your reality to hear the call.
Into each life a little darkness must fall.
When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness
who will you choose to face it with?
Will it be someone you trust?
Will they be wise?
Will their love for you help them to guide you into the light
or will they lose their way in the darkness
Will they make Noble choices
or will that person be someone untested,
Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness
When it does is there someone in your life you can count on?
someone who will watch over you when you stumble and fall?
And in that moment give you the strength to face your fears alone?
~unknown~ (at least to me)